Mortality jokes
Why did Joey drop his ice cream?
He was hit by a truck. (Don't worry, the truck was fine.)
What starts with M and ends with carriage?
This joke never gets old, but then again neither does the baby.
A priest is struck by lightning and lays hurt on the ground.
When medical crew arrives he denies them, saying, "God will surely save me!"
The medical team tries to help him, but he keeps struggling and eventually dies.
Later in the afterlife, he screams at God, saying, "Why didn't you save me? Am I not dear to you?"
God answered, "B****, I sent you a f***ing ambulance and you denied it!"
My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."
I said, "You wanna bet?"
Bam, a gunshot!
Why are cigarettes good for the environment?
They kill people.
There is a thin line between death and life!
You won't live to see it.....
The Cardiogram will!!
"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"
"To the morgue."
"What? But I’m not dead yet!"
"And we’re not there yet."
Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.
What do milk and Make-A-Wish kids have in common? They both have expiration dates.
I keep hearing "Obesity kills."
My only question is "Why is it taking so long?"
Why do dead babies cry? Just kidding, they are dead.
What does a bicycle and Jade Goody have in common?
They can't reach 30.
The reason why the "eating a tide pod" trend ended so fast is because everyone that did it died.
You know every time we think of sex, an angel dies.
We ran out of dead people hundreds of years ago.
What did the make-a-wish kid say to the staff? "I don't wanna go to Disneyland, I wanna live longer."
Mom, can I be a firefighter when I grow up?
Mom: Oh, you won't grow up, Caillou.
Shortly after the hole was finished, everyone in the forest was looking for long grass to fill the hole. The upper layer covered it with short grass and scattered some grass around the hole so it didn't seem as conspicuous. The next evening, the villagers hid in their houses and turned off the lights and waited inside, while one of the farmers stood outside and, if possible, unobtrusively skimped on a cart.
Around midnight, the Headless Rider appeared with his horse in the village. He saw the seemingly single peasant scooping his hay and rode towards him. He was about to swing his axe, and while he was doing so, he overlooked the slightly more scattered grass near the farmer – and thus fell into the trap. He clumsily slumped into the prefabricated hole together with his horse and now lay there helplessly inside, together with his horse, which swayed in panic as the rider's axe was stuck in its back.
When the villagers heard this, they all stormed out of the houses to surround the hole. They saw the Headless Rider, and when he noticed all the villagers around him, he cursed: “Gaaah! You stupid villagers caught me! I can't do much down here. I give up.” The villagers took his axe away from him. Now they only needed a just punishment for the rider.
One of the villagers shouted: “We should tie him to a rope and hang him! He tried to kill us all and plagued us for a long time. So we should kill him and let him suffer for a long time!” The other villagers agreed with him. So they tied a thick rope to a branch of a large tree that stood in the village garden. The villagers took the Headless Rider out of the hole and dragged him to the rope. As they were about to hang the rope around his neck, they noticed that something didn't fit in their plan to hang the Headless Rider. Then the Headless Rider cried out: “You stupid mortals, I have no head at all! Why are you trying to hang me?”
A good bath is like a dead lover. You can enjoy them, that is until they get too cold.
1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.
2: I'm dying, finally.
3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.
On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/
People say that life is short.
I say... life is the longest thing we ever do.