Morbid jokes
What do pedophiles and a SpongeBob intro have in common?
Are you ready kids?
Three blondes were taking a walk when they stumbled on some tracks. They argued on what the tracks came from. One of them said, "it's a deer." The other said, "No it's a coyote." The last one was going to give her thoughts, but that was when the train hit them.
Patient: "I'm starting to forget things."
Doctor: "Since when have you had this condition?"
Patient: "What condition?"
What is the similarity between a sloth and a depressed kid?
They both hang from trees.
Children should never run with scissors, and lesbians should never scissor with the runs.
Most states: "It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends." Alabama: "She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."
Grandma: Young people your age are married by now, why aren’t you?
Me: Old people your age are dead right now, why aren’t you?
What’s the opposite of an exorcism?
It’s when Satan has to tell the priest to come out of the child.
Everyone else seems to have met my dad. I only have the mugshots.
what do you call a baby in an oven?
my next meal.
Why did the old man fall into the well? He couldn't see that well.
After work, I volunteer to help blind children. Verb, not adjective.
If a school shooter walks into a classroom and shoots an autistic kid, what does the kid say? "Why do I look like Swiss cheese?"
What's the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"
I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."
- Mommy, what will I be when I'm grown up?
- Shut up, Sam, you've got cancer!
Alex: Dad, can we get me a little brother from the orphanage?
Dad: Sure, Alex! We're here!
Orphanage manager: Alex! You are so big now!
Alex: Dad, what is she talking about?!
What’s pink, black and has 17 nipples?
A trash can behind the cancer ward.
My dad's the oldest, and when he was young, he shot my grandpa's balls off, but I thought about it. How does my dad have younger brothers?
What's the hardest part about being a pedophile? Fitting in.