Morbid jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To end his pain and suffering.

How many babies do you need to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

What do most 50-year-old men put inside their cars?

Children.

I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.

What did Freddie Mercury use to improve his hearing?

Hearing AIDS.

There was a man named Matt that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, "I am here to tell you my sins." He was all for it and said, "Go ahead."

Matt, "Father, last night I almost cheated on my wife."

Priest, "How so?"

Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything, just rubbed each other, that's all."

Priest, "RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! For your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box!"

Matt, "Okay, I promise not to see her again."

Then Matt walks out the door.

Priest, "Hey! I saw you! You didn't put any money in the donation box!!"

Matt, "Yes I did. I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in."

When the school shooter leaves your classroom and the autistic kid’s sketchers light up.

So, is a homosexual in a coma a fruit or a vegetable?

What do you call a cow with no legs? (Ground Beef!) No, a cow! The absence of legs does not change the fact that the species is still a cow!

What do you call a DOG with no legs? (A dog?) It doesn't matter what you call it, as it's never going to come.

My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."

Guy spills milk on me. I say, "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes, but apparently your mom made a big one."

At a date:

He: "I work with animals every day."

Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"

He: "I'm a butcher."

When was the first Black Friday?

1619.

What did me and my uncle call hide and seek? Naked and afraid.

A women's knitters group is having a meeting, and they are all pregnant. They all talk about their pregnancies.

One woman says, "I'm taking vitamin C so my baby has a healthy immune system."

Another knitter says, "I'm taking folic acid to help my baby's brain."

Finally, one woman says, "I'm taking Thalidomide!"

All the women turn to her and say, "Thalidomide! Don't you know your baby could be born without arms?"

The woman shrugs her shoulders and says, "I don't know how to knit arms."

What has 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."

A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?

Kid: Dad, what is it like to be drunk?

Dad: You see those two trees over there? If you were drunk, you would see four.

Kid: Dad, there is only one tree.

After work, I volunteer to help blind children. Verb, not adjective.