Morbid jokes
When the speedbump in a school zone screams, so you go faster.
I was reading a book about an immortal dog yesterday...
It was impossible to put down.
What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?
This would be much better if you were alive.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you've told her twice.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Why can’t pedophiles ever win races? Because they are always coming in a little behind.
The doctor told me I had aids. I said, "It's your fault, sister."
What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? -- American teenage girls get stoned *before* they have sex.
What do you call two Mexicans in a sleeping bag?
A Twix.
My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"
A starving homeless kid asks me for food.
I said, "sorry, my plate is full."
Why are babies called bundles of joy?
When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.
I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.
Monkey Man's mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.
What's Al-Qaeda's favorite sports team?
The New York Jets.
How do you get more presents from Santa? You tickle his sack.
What's the difference between humans and bullets?
Humans miss John Lennon.
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."
What is the difference between a plane and a helicopter?
A plane hits a building, but a helicopter hits the floor.