Morbid jokes

The doctor told me I had aids. I said, "It's your fault, sister."

What do you call two Mexicans in a sleeping bag?

A Twix.

I was sitting with my little brother when he was about four-ish. He was starting to really like to identify objects for some reason, so he was showing me his toys. He grabbed his toy Mator truck and then pointed to the wheels, saying, “These are wheels.” I said, “Good job, yes they are.” Then he pointed to the bumper and said, “This is a bumper.” Again, I congratulated him. Then, he grabbed the toy’s wire with the hook at the end and said, “And this is a hooker.” I died laughing.

My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"

Why are babies called bundles of joy?

When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.

I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.

Monkey Man's mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.

What's Al-Qaeda's favorite sports team?

The New York Jets.

What's the difference between humans and bullets?

Humans miss John Lennon.

I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."

What is the difference between a plane and a helicopter?

A plane hits a building, but a helicopter hits the floor.

Why did the little boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.

A good dog name is Syndrome. That way when it tries attacking, you can yell, "Down, Syndrome!"

I wanted to play as Kobe Bryant on my gaming console, but the game kept crashing.

Teacher: What's your favorite animal?

Me: Desert Eagle.

Teacher: Why?

Me: 'Cause it fits in my backpack.

What's the difference between apples and orphans? Apples actually get picked.

I made a website for orphans, but sadly it didn't have a home page.

Never attempt to foreshadow your own death, you may end up regretting it. You can chop me up and throw me in the fridge if I’m wrong.

What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? -- American teenage girls get stoned *before* they have sex.

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

What do you call a burning church?

Holy smokes.