Morbid jokes
What’s the difference between a zit and a catholic priest?
A zit waits till you’re 13 to come on your face
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."
Them: You want some Lucky Harms?
Me: What are Lucky Harms?
Them: They're Lucky Charms, but instead of being magically delicious, they're magically malicious.
There's nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
My little sister called my name a few minutes after I put her to bed. She told me that there was something in her closet. I checked the closet and told her there was nothing there, but told her she could still sleep in my room with me. I was thinking that was the best way to get her out of the room before he noticed I saw him.
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.
How did Helen Keller's mom punish her? She put her in a circular room and told her to find the corner.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Depression medicine and therapy.
GO AWAY!
If at first you don't succeed, oh well, so much for skydiving.
What do you call a white person having a seizure?
A vanilla shake.
If you are going to make fun of someone, make fun of orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?
Double whammy.
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old.
How do you know someone is going to die?
He can't stop coughing. (coffin)
What’s one thing you can say at a funeral and during sex?
She was too young.
Kobe Bryant jokes just don't really fly well now.
Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!
A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.
What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.
What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he isn't coming to you.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
How many babies do you need to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you throw them.
Roses are red, Violets are red, Sunflowers are red,
HOLY SHIT, MY GARDEN'S ON FIRE!