Morbid jokes

I almost had a joke about Parkinson's disease, but I was too shaken up to say it.

What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One screams when you put it in a blender, and the other one is a cooperative little fruit.

What do volcanoes and suicide bombers have in common?

They both erupt when triggered.

I'm glad I'm not a pornstar... that would be pretty sucky.

A rapist walks into a school and asks if they had 5 year olds in the school, and the teacher replies, "Are you that same person who took Jimmy?"

The man replies, "Yes," and the teacher says, "Take Susie too; she's being a little bitch."

My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."

The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"

My mom said, "I took your advice."

This year my friends wanted to dress up as crayons for Halloween. They asked me if I wanted to be a tan crayon. I didn’t want to, but I said yes to be nice. I wish I had said no, because now I look like a dick to everyone else.

Why is the leaning tower of Pizza leaning?

It has better reflexes than the twin towers.

So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.

The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.

How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?

It isn't hard.

What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?

At least one does something when it is triggered.

When the Lego box says 6-99 years but you eat it in 20 minutes.

I’m so annoyed by those people who just believe in anything they hear. This is a conversation I had a few days ago.

Idiot: "The moon landing was faked! So unbelievably fake!" Me: "You believe in the moon? Stupidass."

Broccoli is like anal sex. If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.

A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."

I like my men like I like my whiskey: Irish and put in a barrel for 2 years with barely any oxygen.

Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Why do people in a wheelchair make bad jokes? Because they are bad at stand-up.

How do you get a clown to stop smiling?

You shoot him in the face.

What is 6.9?

A beautiful thing ruined by a period.