Morbid jokes
I was reading a book about an immortal dog yesterday...
It was impossible to put down.
What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?
This would be much better if you were alive.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you've told her twice.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Why can’t pedophiles ever win races? Because they are always coming in a little behind.
The doctor told me I had aids. I said, "It's your fault, sister."
What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? -- American teenage girls get stoned *before* they have sex.
What do you call two Mexicans in a sleeping bag?
A Twix.
I was sitting with my little brother when he was about four-ish. He was starting to really like to identify objects for some reason, so he was showing me his toys. He grabbed his toy Mator truck and then pointed to the wheels, saying, “These are wheels.” I said, “Good job, yes they are.” Then he pointed to the bumper and said, “This is a bumper.” Again, I congratulated him. Then, he grabbed the toy’s wire with the hook at the end and said, “And this is a hooker.” I died laughing.
My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"
Why are babies called bundles of joy?
When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.
I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.
A starving homeless kid asks me for food.
I said, "sorry, my plate is full."
Monkey Man's mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.
What's Al-Qaeda's favorite sports team?
The New York Jets.
How do you get more presents from Santa? You tickle his sack.
What's the difference between humans and bullets?
Humans miss John Lennon.
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."
What is the difference between a plane and a helicopter?
A plane hits a building, but a helicopter hits the floor.