Morbid jokes

A boy and a girl are showering together. The girl looks down and says to the boy, "Hey, can I touch it?" The boy replies, "Oh hell nah. You already ripped yours off."

What is the fastest thing in the world?

James Charles when he sees little boys.

Who are the fastest readers of all time?

People who jumped out of the Twin Towers. Why? Because they went through 13 stories within 5 seconds.

Kobe Bryant jokes just don't really fly well now.

The most confusing day of my life was when I found out my toaster was waterproof.

Gary and Steve are having sex and the phone rings. Steve goes to answer the phone and tells Gary, "Hey, don't finish yourself until I get back." After returning from the other room, there is cum all over the bed and wall of the bedroom. "Jesus, Gary, I said not to finish yourself until I got back!" Gary turns to him and says, "I didn't, I farted."

Did you hear about the man who ran in front of the bus? He got tired.

A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordon Ramsay's F-king cooking show!

Husband: "Stop watching that f-king sh*t! You can't cook to save your life!"

Wife: "So what?! You watch porn, don't you?!"

Three blondes were taking a walk when they stumbled on some tracks. They argued on what the tracks came from. One of them said, "it's a deer." The other said, "No it's a coyote." The last one was going to give her thoughts, but that was when the train hit them.

So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.

A baby skunk's mother gets hit by a car, so the baby skunk doesn't know what he is.

So the baby skunk walks up to a baby bunny and asks, "What are you?" The baby bunny replies, "Well, I'm a baby bunny. What are you?" The baby skunk says, "Well, I don't know, am I a baby bunny too?"

The baby bunny says, "No, you're not a baby bunny." So the baby skunk asks, "Well, what am I then?"

The baby bunny replies, "Well, you're not exactly blank and you're not exactly white, so you must be Mexican."

God: Ok, so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look from being born to preteen.

Satan: (slides in) I’ll take over for you, pops.

God: I dunno... this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system.

Satan: Don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18!

God: Hmm... I’m still not- (Gets a call on his phone) Shoot, I got to take this. (Answers call) Don’t touch anything, Lucifer! (Walks away)

Satan:.......(just touches lightly, and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away)

God: (rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?!

God: (tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) Fuck me........

God:....(sighs) Fine, it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty.

So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.

I would tell a scoliosis joke.

But that would be completely out of line.

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."

What do you call a burning church?

Holy smokes.

Teacher: What's your favorite animal?

Me: Desert Eagle.

Teacher: Why?

Me: 'Cause it fits in my backpack.

Did you know that statistically, 1 in 10 people live next to a pedophile? Not me though, I live next to a 10 year old boy with a fat ass.

When the speedbump in a school zone screams, so you go faster.