Morbid jokes

I have many jokes about unemployed people, but sadly, none of them seemed to have worked.

What's the difference between a man and a table?

The table doesn't cry when I break its legs.

Do you know the TV show "Naked and Afraid?" Well, that's what my grandpa and I played when I was young.

My little sister called my name a few minutes after I put her to bed. She told me that there was something in her closet. I checked the closet and told her there was nothing there, but told her she could still sleep in my room with me. I was thinking that was the best way to get her out of the room before he noticed I saw him.

Three blondes were taking a walk when they stumbled on some tracks. They argued on what the tracks came from. One of them said, "it's a deer." The other said, "No it's a coyote." The last one was going to give her thoughts, but that was when the train hit them.

So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.

A baby skunk's mother gets hit by a car, so the baby skunk doesn't know what he is.

So the baby skunk walks up to a baby bunny and asks, "What are you?" The baby bunny replies, "Well, I'm a baby bunny. What are you?" The baby skunk says, "Well, I don't know, am I a baby bunny too?"

The baby bunny says, "No, you're not a baby bunny." So the baby skunk asks, "Well, what am I then?"

The baby bunny replies, "Well, you're not exactly blank and you're not exactly white, so you must be Mexican."

God: Ok, so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look from being born to preteen.

Satan: (slides in) I’ll take over for you, pops.

God: I dunno... this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system.

Satan: Don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18!

God: Hmm... I’m still not- (Gets a call on his phone) Shoot, I got to take this. (Answers call) Don’t touch anything, Lucifer! (Walks away)

Satan:.......(just touches lightly, and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away)

God: (rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?!

God: (tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) Fuck me........

God:....(sighs) Fine, it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty.

So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

What do kids and drugs have in common? I sell both of them.

In preschool, I confessed my love to my crush, and she rejected me. As heartbroken as I was, I sucked it up and went back to teaching.

I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.

I would tell a scoliosis joke.

But that would be completely out of line.

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."

Did you know that statistically, 1 in 10 people live next to a pedophile? Not me though, I live next to a 10 year old boy with a fat ass.

I was reading a book about an immortal dog yesterday...

It was impossible to put down.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you've told her twice.

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.

Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Why can’t pedophiles ever win races? Because they are always coming in a little behind.