Morbid jokes
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 Victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds.
My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."
The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"
My mom said, "I took your advice."
I know how to cut down on Medicare expenses.
Lock Alzheimer's patients in dog cages when they misbehave.
Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.
She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."
What do you call it when a Mexican and a pedophile fight?
Alien vs Predator.
What was the last thing to go through the heads of the 9/11 jumpers?
Their ankles.
Why did Muhammad Ali go down? Because he couldn't stand the cancer.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, but sadly, none of them seemed to have worked.
So apparently, Kurt Cobain's death was mind-blowing.
What goes Snap, Crackle, and Pop?
A neck.
Did you know the pool in the Titanic is still full?
Everything disappears in the Bermuda Triangle.
Except my depression.
I asked my daddy what sex was. He said, "Wanna cum and try it?"
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.
How do you circumsize a hillbilly?
Kick his mother in the jaw
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down?"
The man says, "I just found out my niece is gay." The next day, he orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down now?" The man says, "I just found out my son is gay."
The next day, he orders 6 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Got anybody who likes women?" The man says, "My wife does."
What is a suicide pack's favorite song?...
Let the bodies hit the floor.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a crowbar could do it so much quicker.
Knock knock! Who's there? It's Dave! Dave who? Dave proceeds to break down crying at the realization that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.