Whats the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"
My dad died the other day but, i was able to hear his last words"son are you still holding the ladder"
What is the difference between a washing machine and a child..?
The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.
A elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game The man asks "Is it your first time?" The woman replies "It's been a while since a man has asked me that."
I'm funny but sad I submit jokes you'll love. Look for my name in jokes you've read. Anyway.
What did the man with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves. Just kidding he didn't have the chance to open the gifts.
So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.
I would tell a scoliosis joke
but that would be completely out of line
A priest and a pedophile walk into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey Jim!"
Did you here about the man who ran in front of the bus? He got tired.
Two gay guys, two lesbians, and two pedophiles have a race. What is the order of finish?
1. Lesbians. Doing 69 the whole way. 2. Pedophiles. Coming in a little behind. 3. Gay guys. Still packing their shit.
What's the difference between apples and orphans? Apples actually get picked.
I made a website for orphans, but sadly it didn't have a home page.
I almost a joke about parkinson's disease, but I was too shaken up to say it.
Why do lawyers use Viagra? To grow taller.
Why did Joey drop his ice cream? He was hit by a truck. (Don't worry, the truck was fine.)
One time this kid came back from school and said "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said "Good news please.'' and the boy said "I got 100% on my math test today" and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said "Now to the bad news, I LIED"
What’s pink, black and has 17 nipples?
A trash can behind the cancer ward
What Gets Louder As it Get's Smaller? A Baby in A Trash Compactor
Police: Where do u live Me: With my parents Police: Where your parents live Me: With me Police: Where do you all live Me: Together Police: where is your house Me: Next to my neighbor Police: Where is your neighbor’s house Me: If I tell you, you won't believe me Police: Tell me Me: Next to my house
My brother called me short and ugly so i called him an ambulance.
What do U.S. airstrikes and dark humor have in common?
They're normally pointed towards Africa and the Middle East.
