Morbid Jokes

Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "Your hair color is fabulous." Woman: "Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store."

Man: "You look like a dream." Woman: "Go back to sleep."

Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Yes, I want you to leave."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not enter. -OR- Stop."

Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?" Woman: "I hate you."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

What is the difference between Sir Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed?

Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Pssh.

What animal has five legs? A pitbull returning from a playground.

I’m gonna kick some gum and chew some ass... but I’m all out of ass.

I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......

Beneath this monumental stone Lise, 80 pounds of skin and bone.

When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.

A 98 year old man goes to bed on a one layer bed. He wakes up under it...

I saw a person raping a woman in an alleyway. I decided to help...she doesn't stand a chance between us.

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck it off...

*Knock Knock* Who's there? Social Services...

I've never seen my dad since September 11. I wonder where he is...

Junkyard dogs may be mean, but the meanest dogs are the ones guarding concentration camps.

Do nothing about people falling down the stairs, it will keep happening.

Put razor blades on the stairs, it will be their last time falling down the stairs.

I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff.

Joaquin Phoenix as The Joker is like Heath Ledger if he overdosed on prescription drugs... Oh, wait. He already did.

I give props to pedophiles.

They always go slow in the school zones.

If you shit in a church, is it a holy shit?

Riddle me this. Riddle me that.

Why did my parents never come back?