Morbid jokes
Wife is texting husband:
"Honey, if I give you 300 dollars, will you stop being blind?"
Husband: "seilghsielguG"
Wife: "Seriously, David?"
Husband: "fuweyadb"
How did a man kill his car? He throttled it.
So, I am an emo dude, so I sit in the back of the class, and I talk to no one.
But one day this dude came up to me and tried to talk to me, so I just ignored him. Then he got really pissed off and said, "I'm gonna kill you." I was like, "You're gonna kill me just because I ignored you? Is your ego that big, wow?" He left. Then the next day he brought his goons with him and said, "Now you're dead." I ignored him again, and he said, "You will pay for this."
So the following day after school I was walking down the street back to my house. Then he and his goons tried to attack me, but then they died, so I kept on walking. I had some rope traps set.
This was the best day of my life.
This is why you never mess with emos. We have ropes everywhere.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It doesn't matter, he's dead.
Why can you punch an orphan and get away with it?
Because what is he gonna do, tell his parents?
What goes up must come down, apart from Mr. Vyse.
Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone?
He got ran over by a bus.
When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.
A man drinks beer and jumps off a tower, and he's okay. The other guy says, "Whoa, how'd you do that?"
He does it again, so the guy gets a beer, the same beer, and jumps off. He died.
The bartender looks at the original man who jumped off and says, "Superman, you're a real butthole whenever you're drunk."
My favorite sex position is the McDonald's.
Ba da ba ba ba, I'm lovin' it!
Did you hear about the guy who died by lethal injection and writhed on the stretcher for 20 minutes?
I guess it really IS all in the execution.
It's not a joke.
Why did Sally fall off the swings?
Because she had no arms.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally!
What’s the difference between a baby and a beet?
Beets stain your teeth.
What's yellow all over and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
What's about 12 inches long, has a purple head, and can make women scream all night?
Cot death.
Where did Joe go after getting lost on the mine field?
Everywhere.
A girl asks her Asian boyfriend if he wants to eat her pussy. He asks her why she is taking off her clothes, instead of cooking her cat.
I can’t hang out with an emo when they are sad? Why? Because it cuts deeply.
Billy got a bike and a soccer ball for his birthday from his uncle, but he was very upset. Why? Because he has no legs.