Morbid jokes
What’s the difference between football and rape?
Women don’t like football.
Say what you will of pedophiles, but you can't ignore their problem with immature ejaculation.
Ever heard of a rape victim with Alzheimers? Yeah, neither have they.
What place can you always find suicidal cows at?
"McDonald's."
When you’re hunting at a forest resort and you shoot a deer, but then you remember that there are no deer at the forest resort.
Rape, 9/11, abortion, orphan, murder, dead, kill, drugs.
What makes all these categories so familiar? Either you've experienced them, or made them up in your backstory.
Guess how I'm getting laid tonight?
"I'm stronger than you."
How do you circumcise a redneck?
You kick his sister in the jaw.
What’s worse than dropping your ice cream?
The Holocaust.
Jesus created the T-pose first.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it looked in the mirror.
Three men die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "It's going to be a long journey to heaven, so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives."
"We'll start with you, Michael. Since you were quite the womanizer and cheated on your wife multiple times, you will be getting a Toyota." The man, embarrassed, left in the Toyota.
"Nolan, you were better; you cheated on your wife twice, so I will give you a Mercedes. Now, as for you, Mark, you never cheated on your wife; you are an absolute saint, so I will be giving you a Lamborghini."
The man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car, and he asked the man in the Lamborghini, "What the hell is going on?"
The man in the Lamborghini says, "I just saw my wife riding through the streets of Heaven on roller skates!"
What do you call it when Portericans surround your house?
A spicket fence!
Why didn’t Harry Potter use the chamber to teach Dumbledore’s army?
Because at one point poisonous gases were put in it.
Where are you not allowed to go trick or treating as a ghost?
Harlem, New York.
What's red and white and lives in a blender?
A baby.
What part of a vegetable can't you eat?
The wheelchair.
What colors were Kurt Cobain's eyes? Blue! One blew right and the other blew up!
What's Adam's biggest fear?
Andy with a belt.
What's the difference between Andy and acne?
Acne waited until Adam could talk before coming on his face.