Morbid jokes
I’ve been told I’ve got a perfect cock. She sure was hard on me when I cut it off, though.
There's a new cooking programme on BBC1. The contestants are victims of domestic violence. It's called "Can't Cook... Right Hook."
Have you ever tried anal bleaching?
It really helps assholes lighten up.
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology. I call him a hypocrite and unplug his life support. 😄😆🔥👍
Why did the Nurse bring a red pen to work? To draw Blood.
Why did the M&M go to school? To be a smartie.
Why did the monkey bring a ladder to school? To be in highschool.
My life, ha ha funny!
You know, life as a pufferfish is tough. They get startled, then they get hard.
A father is talking to his three kids.
Kid 1: Why is my name Rose?
Dad: Because when you were a kid, a rose fell on your head.
Kid 2: Why is my name Lily?
Dad: Because a lily fell on your head when you were a baby.
Kid 3: Auughhghhhggghhh!
Dad: Oh hey, Brick.
What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?
When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.
Roses are red, My heart, my heart is dead. I have a gun straight to my head.
What’s the hardest part about f...ing toddlers?
My boner.
How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.
I named my dog Chicken.
I love eating chicken.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
GET IN THE VAN!!
Why can't you trust the atom? 'Cause they make up everything.
What do you call a green boner? The Grinch.
What is it called when you whoop a donkey?
A whooped ass and apparently some people get that everyday from their drunk dads.
What do Jim Kelly and Dick Cheney have in common?
They both make terrible hunters.
"Number 15: Burger King foot lettuce. The last thing you want in your Burger King burger is someone's foot fungus, but as it turns out, that might be what you get."
So, my mom has hit me with a flip flop when I was bad, and when I cheated on my girl, right when the other girl came in, a flip flop came flying in the room.