Morbid jokes

A father is talking to his three kids.

Kid 1: Why is my name Rose?

Dad: Because when you were a kid, a rose fell on your head.

Kid 2: Why is my name Lily?

Dad: Because a lily fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid 3: Auughhghhhggghhh!

Dad: Oh hey, Brick.

What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?

When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.

Roses are red, My heart, my heart is dead. I have a gun straight to my head.

What’s the hardest part about f...ing toddlers?

My boner.

How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.

I named my dog Chicken.

I love eating chicken.

Why can't you trust the atom? 'Cause they make up everything.

What do you call a green boner? The Grinch.

What is it called when you whoop a donkey?

A whooped ass and apparently some people get that everyday from their drunk dads.

What do Jim Kelly and Dick Cheney have in common?

They both make terrible hunters.

"Number 15: Burger King foot lettuce. The last thing you want in your Burger King burger is someone's foot fungus, but as it turns out, that might be what you get."

So, my mom has hit me with a flip flop when I was bad, and when I cheated on my girl, right when the other girl came in, a flip flop came flying in the room.

A man sacrificed children who played Roblox, so when someone knocked on the door, they said, "An administrator has banned you from heaven!"

So anyway, this old guy goes to the doctors. The doctor says, "It's bad news, you've got cancer and Alzheimer's." The old guy replies, "At least I've not got cancer!"

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

I was anonymous with the previous jokes. I will now go by "I can fly! *falls*."

What's black and white and red all over? A mime I hit with my car.

Space therapist in between the e and the r.

The rapists!

Moto Moto, stop giving the baby your d*ck!

I always think that percussions are golden, but cheeks are brass.

What did Nemo's dad say? "Man, he's a lot like my dad, I can never find him!"