Morbid jokes
I don't have much motivation for things, that's why I haven't yet killed myself, hehe.
Forrest Gump: Who's your favorite Lord of the Rings character?
Lieutenant Dan: Legaless.
What is the difference between a baby and a sweet potato?
About 140 calories.
How are guys and tile floors alike?
If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.
I'll never forget my mother's last words: "What are you doing with that sledgehammer?"
One of the most popular documentaries of the 2010’s was “Jiro Dreams of Sushi.”
One of the least popular documentaries was “Jiro’s Nightmare of Ass-Rape.”
What's the difference between Andy and acne?
Acne waited until Adam could talk before coming on his face.
Where did Janet go during the bombing? Everywhere.
What has hands but can’t clap?
A thalidomide baby.
God died for your sins, so basically if you don't sin then Jesus died for nothing.
I was invited into a celebrity's house, that's what I told the cops at least...
What do shemales and barns have in common?
Cocks.
You know why orphans like boomerangs?
Because they come back, unlike their parents.
I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."
How do you get a baby into a small bowl?
A blender.
How do you get it out? Tostito chips.
Q: Wanna see something funny?
A: Sure.
*bomb Florida*
My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."
I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."
I say 123, yeah, the kids bullied me, but they really don't know that my dad has a gun, yeah.
I have a thousand-piece puzzle of the Japanese map. It took me ages to finish it.
But after the earthquake, I just threw all the pieces on the ground, and it's done.
If I had 10 dino nuggies and Jamal tried to take one, I would have ten dino nuggies and Jamal's head.