Today I went to the doctor for a test and he said I have 10 months to live. So later that day I stabbed him to death & the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved
I wish the doctor would prescribe me some medicine that's actually useful like cyanide
what makes a cult and a racist family of 5 common? not all are friends
I got arrested because I cremated a guy. They said the guy had been alive when I burned him. I mean, it's an early cremation—what's the difference?
Dark Jokes Dark jokes are just like water Not everybody get's it
How do you fit 27 New Zealand Tourists in a 15 seater bus? Simple. All in the ashtray.
knock knock
who's there?
A murderer.
A murderer w-
is cut off by being murdered
if its on the clock,its old enough for the cock
Csgo is just practice for when you want to one tap some 3rd graders
Why did the condom cross the road...... Because he was pissed off.
Why did the homeless man stop to help the kids cross the streat?
To get them into his van.
What is white, then red, and is very fast?
My chainsaw blade
I knew a girl that died from having phone sex.... He died of hearing aids
ya make 10 paintings, you arent an artist ya make 20 meals, you arent a chef but when i kill ONE PERSON, im a "horrible person" and a "menace to society"
I told my kids to smile with the monkeys in the open zoo. They never got together at all.
Billy: Dad, I was shot by a sniper! Dad: Uh- *hides his rifle*
Man: Hey siri! Siri: Yes? Man: Im desperate, will you marry me? Siri: Uh... *phone literally explodes*
Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents. And I lost my job as zookeeper.
Guy 1: How far are we going?
Guy 2: About as far as somebody's miscarriage.
A man has the power to grant anyone a wish they want. A kid comes up and says, "I want to be like batman!" The man smiles and grants his wish. The child goes home and finds that he is now an orphan.
