Morbid jokes
I arrived at work and saw a kid crying. I walked up to the kid and asked, "Hey, where are your parents?" and the kid just cried more. God, I love working at an orphanage.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lot-of-puss!
Therapist just mean the-rapist.
I can't decide which side to take on abortion; on one hand it kills babies and on the other it gives women a choice...
What was blue and black and doesn't like to have sex... The little girl in my trunk.
To my best friend, my brother is like a spider. She chose to kill him straight away. That's why she is my friend, after all!
Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?" Father: "Ask your sister." Daughter: "I don't have a..."
Have you heard about the lemming that jumped off a cliff into an ocean?
I heard it was because of pier pressure.
Q: What do you say to a kid who threatens to beat you up?
A: We can always rearrange your liver 😏
Why did Timmy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
If somebody cuts their leg off and hits you with it, would they be kicking or hitting you?
There was a little boy named Chris who was addicted to Roblox.
One day, his grandpa fell into a deep coma caused by a head injury.
One day, little Chris went to visit his poor grandpa. He brought his Windows 10 too, but it had no charge in it. After pulling out some wires and placing his into the wall, he started to hear a long beeping sound, but ignored it and continued to play Roblox. Chris's parents came and saw what had happened.
The dad then yelled, "You dumb f***, you killed my father!!!"
Then Chris said "Yeah. He was worth robucks, too."
what do you call a drunken sailer?
arrested.
Jesus and Moses come back to Earth.
Moses says, "Let's go down to the ocean and see if I can do what I used to when I was here before." So Moses raises his arms and motions to part the waters. Sure enough, he is able to part the waters just as before.
Jesus quips, "Close the water, I'm going to try to do what I used to when I was here last." So Jesus walks out on top of the water, then sinks to the bottom. He crawls out pulling seaweed off of him. Moses says, "Hey, it's not your fault, you didn't have those holes in your feet before."
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not! He got nailed before he died.
Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."
The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.
The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.
The third lady says, "I never had a husband."
The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."
They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.
The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."
"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"
Freddie Mercury was on top of the music world. That's only the 2nd thing he was a top in.
How did Protestants perform in the 16th century? Well done.
You know that at Walmart they have backpacks next to the guns? Well, I thought that it was nice to see the bags next to the school supplies.
In the bus, you can't spell "black" without "back."