Morbid jokes
You know that at Walmart they have backpacks next to the guns? Well, I thought that it was nice to see the bags next to the school supplies.
What should you never say to a Japanese person? "You're da bomb!"
What's the difference between WW2 kamikaze planes and 9/11?
One of the missions succeeded.
What did Stevie Wonder see when he got murdered?
Nothing.
Therapist just mean the-rapist.
A little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her mom naked taking a shower and asks, "Mommy, mommy, when am I gonna get breasts?" Mom says, "Oh, when you're 12 or 13." The little girl looks down and see’s her pubes and asks, "Mommy, mommy, when am I gonna get hair down there?" Mom says, "Oh, about the same time you get breasts."
Then the little girl walks in and sees her dad sitting on the bed with a hard on and asks, "Daddy, daddy, when am I gonna get one of those?" Dad says, "Soon as your mom leaves for work."
Why did Steven Hawking die?
He lost Wi-Fi connection and didn't get the data plan.
How do Chinese people name their children?
They throw pots and pans down the stairs and listen for the sounds, "Ching Chong Chang."
I was making a bet with my grandfather about who would die first. I said that I would die first.
He said "Bet" and died after he drank his coffee.
He was my least favorite grandparent.
Things you never want to do in jail:
- Never piss off an inmate. - Don’t start fights with the cops. - Don’t drop the soap. - Don’t run away from the cops.
What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?
My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.
What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?
One is hairy and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus. You're welcome.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One's plastic and dangerous to play with; the other is to carry groceries.
Arby's fast food and abortion clinic: Your dead babies are our taters and gravy.
There's two types of emo people:
1. People that cut side to side.
2. And people that cut up and down.
The most efficient is up and down.
What's worse than eating 5 raw oysters out of your grandmother's vagina?
Realizing you only put in 4.
My credit card is more declined than the love from my dad.
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
What do you call an Iraqi swimming in the water?
A bath bomb.
What's worse than sticking 12 raw oysters up your grandma's pussy and sucking them out?
Sticking 12 raw oysters up there and sucking out 13.