Morbid jokes
An emo girl and a squirrel both fall out of a tree. Who hits the ground first? The squirrel. The rope stops the emo girl.
What's black, white, and red all over?
A bi-racial car wreck.
Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.
A boy and girl are fucking. The girl yells "Senpai!" The boy smiles, pleased, but then her father walks in and says "What?"
What's a pedophile's favorite holiday?
Halloween. Free delivery!
What do you call an epileptic kid on cocaine?
An earthquake.
How many children can you fit in a box?
Maybe five if you have a trash compactor.
My cousin is in a wheelchair and wanted to battle.
So I went up a step and said, "It's over Anakin, I have the high ground!"
My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.
Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping?
"No."
Yeah, but then he woke up.
This Native American won't stop talking bad about me, so I said, "Please stop acting like you first discovered this land belonged to your ancestors!"
In the hospital, they need to keep the disabled patients' rooms cooler than the other patients' rooms.
Why?
They need to keep the vegetables cool and crisp.
When the quiet kid gets angry and the sped kid sees your hiding spot.
Bing, bang, boom!
I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.
And my driver's license got revoked too.
I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."
Money and women are kind of the same thing for me; it comes and goes very easily.
What does a mother fear most?
Hearing "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" for 5 different men.
What do you call a non-binary person that is lactose intolerant?
Non-buy dairy.
I have a huge thought: if Satan punishes people who are bad, doesn't that make him good?
How did Protestants perform in the 16th century? Well done.