Morbid jokes
A priest is drowning in a river. A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that God will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God said, "I sent you three f***ing boats and you didn't take them!"
What's the hardest part of running through a field of dead babies?
My boner.
Where did my rabbit go?
*crunch*
Alfred the Great was arguably the greatest king in England’s history.
The worst? Richard the Goat Fucker.
When your mom tries to hit you with the belt but misses and hits herself... #victoryroyale
Please help, my dad is an addict. He won't stop, and he eats my food.
Sometimes I think, should I kill him? But nah, he will go down with the others who did that too.
If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.
If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.
It isn't any of those if it's suicide.
Hillary Clinton
What is yellow and does not float well?
A school bus.
What are the 3 shortest words in the English language?
“Is It In?”
I like my women like I like my coffee: nice, fresh, and dead.
A man and a cow walk into a McDonalds, and the man walks up to the front counter and says, “I’d like one beef burger.” The employee of McDonalds said, “Sure thing sir, also I really like to see your cow, may I bring him into the back room really quick to show my co-workers?” The man says, “Sure.” The employee takes the cow into the back room. A couple minutes later, the employee came back with his burger. The man took a bite of it, and realized his cow was gone.
When the guy next to you says that he kind of agrees with the villain.
Me watching a World War 2 documentary.
Q: What’s the difference between me and you?
A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.
So, two kids argued and insulted each other.
KID 1: "Your dad left because he didn't want you, so why don't you kill yourself?"
KID 2: "Well, your dad already killed himself because he didn't want you."
What do you get when you put a baby in a box filled with glass and nails and push it down the stairs?
... A boner.
An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.
*A few minutes later*
son: There.
mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
son: Dad showed me before he died.
mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*
What's the darkest point in the universe?
The inside of a KFC.
My humour is so dark that its life matters.
Welcome to Antonio’s pizza and abortion, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce!