Morbid jokes
My friend group is pretty diverse. I'm Japanese, one friend is Filipino, one is American, one is Italian, and the last one is German.
Out of everyone in the friend group, the Filipino and the American were the quickest to feel uncomfortable when I asked, "Who wants to go on a march with me?"
If you shit in a church, is it a holy shit?
Have you ever been accused of a crime you didn't commit? Well, I have! I was wrongfully accused of larceny yesterday. I'm not smart enough for that, I just stole some stuff.
What's the difference between a million dollars and a million dead babies?
I don't have a million dollars laying around my house.
My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.
A man asked for poison and another man gave it to him. The first man took a sip and said, "hmmm, this tastes like arsenic." He took a sip of another and said, "hmmm, this tastes like cyanide. A very unpleasant taste that brings back memories."
What's red and blue and runs up your leg?
A homesick miscarriage.
Where did Tanner go during the 9/11 terrorist attack?
Everywhere.
When the school shooter kills the teacher and the autistic kid declares communism
Why can’t orphans have sex, my friends? Why? They have none to call daddy.
Teachers at a school shooting be like: damn it. That's the third one this week and it's only Monday.
Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.
Me: What? Am I dying?
Doctor: No, your wife is.
What's green and smells like ham?
Kermit the frog's fingers.
Part 1: Two men were walking down the way when the third one came.
Part 2: Two men were walking down the way when the third one came.
Part 3: Two men were walking down the way when the third one came.
Part 4: Guess what... two men were walking down the way when the second one fell in the sewers and died... The first one was lonely.
Elsa got a boyfriend, and the boyfriend wanted to try anal.
She wasn't too keen, but she just lay back and shouted "INTO THE UNKNOWN!"
How is the world like dirt?
Because we don't think twice about it.
How do you get 100 babies in the back of a pick up truck? Blender.
How do you get them back out? Straw.
EU Delegate: "Sir, your country has the highest corruption and crime rate out of any other member nations. What do you have to say?"
Ambassador: *tries slipping the delegate 40 Euros* "You didn't see any statistics."
Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."
Father: "Sorry."
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.