Morbid jokes
A is for apple, B is for dyslexia—oh wait, no! That’s D!
What's the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus? They're both saying "Oh my god, my mom's gonna kill me!"
Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?" Father: "Ask your sister." Daughter: "I don't have a..."
How do you get a baby to stop crying?
Simple... you staple its mouth shut.
What objects have the most gravitational force?
A Lambo and a gold digger.
What's red and screams when you shake it?
A skinned baby in a bag of salt.
Why do gay kids always fail exams ? Becuz they can't think straight
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne? Acne doesn't come on a 5-year-old's face.
What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff.
What's pink and rusty? Madeline McCann's bike.
So I ran into my specialist doctor, and he said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." So I said, "Capricorn," and he said, "Nah, you got cancer."
"Namaste, 6 feet away, or I'll blow you away with this AK!"
I remember my grandad's last words: "Are you still holding the ladder?"
I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet," and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.
If you bet on Russian roulette, even if you win, you still lose.
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To get to the other side (suicide).
Why did the second hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flatmate.
When I was a kid, my hamster died, so my mum bought a new identical one, hoping I wouldn't notice. It didn't matter anyway, since I beat that one to death, too.
What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?
My stepdad beat my ass before he left.
School was fun, but it was hard, almost like riding a bike that’s on fire and the grounds on fire and everything’s on fire because it’s hell.
What do you call 2 homeless people throwing rocks at each other? "Pillow Fight!"
What's the difference between an air blower and Little Boy?
When the air blower blew, it did not wipe out Hiroshima.