Morbid jokes
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology. I call him a hypocrite and unplug his life support. 😄😆🔥👍
What do cannibals call pregnant women? A kinder surprise.
My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."
So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.
I don't understand why, when I went to the shooting range today, the police came. Like, bro, I always go to elementary schools.
I donated to the LGBTQ community. Hopefully now they can find a cure.
Where did Lucy go during the bombing? Everywhere.
Why did Steven Hawking not go to heaven after he died?
He could not get up the stairs?
A chef named his chicken Richard and named a rooster Ballz. A guy walks up and asks the chef what he's cooking. He replies, "My dick and balls."
I like my women the way I like my sandwiches... A little meat between their buns.
My great grandfather died in 9/11.
He was an amazing pilot.
I like my women the way I like my coffee, and I don't drink coffee.
Daddy, I really miss you. Mummy changed my name to Tickle Timpson. Anyway, daddy I forgive you for abusing me.
What part of a vegetable can't you eat?
The wheelchair.
I'm so mad I got arrested for rape, even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute, but how was I supposed to know? She never told me.
This chess game against America and England is getting interesting. First, America lost both of its towers, but now England has lost its queen.
Last week I found out my toaster is waterproof.
Two hunters are in the woods and one falls to the ground.
Terrified, he dials 911 and says, “Help! I think my friend is dying. What do I do?” The nurse says, “I need you to make sure he’s dead.” The hunter replies, “Ok, I’ll be right back.” The nurse is startled after hearing a gunshot. The hunter comes back and says, “I checked. Now what do I do?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his heart has completely stopped.” She is startled when she hears the sound of a taser. The hunter comes back and says, “What’s next?” The nurse replies, “I need you to make sure his brain has completely shut down.” The nurse is once again startled when she hears the sound of a bone being crushed by what seemed to be a hammer. The hunter comes back and asks, “Anything else?” The nurse says, “Nope. That’s it.”
Q. What's the difference between a normal kid and an emo kid? A. One has a functioning neck.
I arrived at work and saw a kid crying. I walked up to the kid and asked, "Hey, where are your parents?" and the kid just cried more. God, I love working at an orphanage.
I found Nemo.
He was tasty.