Morbid jokes

What is the similarity between a sloth and a depressed kid?

They both hang from trees.

What's sad and has no life? The person reading this.

When I was born the doctors said, "it's a boy!" Then when they went to cut the umbilical cord, they cut the wrong thing. Then they said, "Oh, it's a girl."

What do you call one baby in ten trashcans?

Chopped Junior!

You should never try Afghan weed because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.

The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?

"Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"

123 bipity bopity 321. Women are property.

I gave Caillou bleach, now he is paler than ever. >:)

What can you tell a dog, but not your girlfriend? Come.

What is the difference between a wagon filled with sand and a wagon filled with newborns?

You cannot unload the sand with a pitchfork.

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."

My ex died today.

I also lost my job as a butcher.

Doctor: I have bad news and really bad news.

Patient: What's the bad news?

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What's the really bad news?

Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.

I remember my grandad's last words: "Are you still holding the ladder?"

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, and the middle one is for you.

If your parachute fails midair, remember, you have the rest of your life to fix it.

Man 1: I-I ran my mom over to get a stupid book.

Man 2: Aww, books aren't that bad. I'm sure she thinks you're a great son considering she can't drive anymore.

Man 1: She was in the road, and I was rushing to get the last copy of this book. She can't drive or do anything anymore.

If a special ed kid is late to class, is it okay to call me a little tardy?

When I went to heaven, I saw Steven Hawking standing there. I asked why he isn’t in heaven yet. He said there are stairs.