Morbid jokes
Who reads the fastest?
The pilot of the plane who hit one of the twin towers. He took out 83 stories in one go.
Teacher: Why did the skeleton know the weather outside?
Student: 'Cause he could feel it in his bones.
Teacher: No, he read the weather report, you fucking idiot.
What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?
My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.
What's red and blue and runs up your leg?
A homesick miscarriage.
I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......
*Knock Knock* Who's there? Social Services...
Hippity hoppity, Hiroshima, Nagasaki.
"I’m sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral.
If you want to pick on someone, pick on orphans. Let them tell their parents.
Double!
Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere!
Triple!
Why did Bob cross the road? Because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.
Why don’t you get a book about how to commit suicide?
Because you won’t bring it back afterwards.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper make it across the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
Justin: Hey.
Josh: Hey man.
Justin: Why only "man"?
Josh: It feels weird saying the r a c e y names.
Justin: I don't mind.
Josh: Okay, S L A V E.
Justin: Oh no, not T H A T one!
What are the best shooting ranges in America?
Schools.
Nobody:
The Vietcong when America lands on their beaches:
tReE pOwErS aCtIvAtE!
My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."
So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.
Have you heard about the lemming that jumped off a cliff into an ocean?
I heard it was because of pier pressure.
A morbid joke would be what's going on in my mind.
How many astronauts can you fit into a VW Bug? 11, 4 in the seats, seven in the ashtray.
Shut the f*ck up.
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.