Morbid jokes
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he's drinking a magical drink. He asks, "What's so magical about it?" The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, "Y'know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
Who needs April Fool's when your life is a joke?
Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.
My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.
In 2013, it was reported that China has lost around 28,000 rivers; over half of what they thought existed. Some say climate change is the cause, others say it’s their harsh, economic expansion that’s unapologetic to the environment.
My theory is that those 28,000 rivers were sold to underground river-sex trafficking.
What's better than seeing a baby swing around on a clothesline at 60km/h? Stopping it with a cricket bat.
I heard that my crush got kicked in the balls and when I thought of it...
Did you hear about the guy who died by lethal injection and writhed on the stretcher for 20 minutes?
I guess it really IS all in the execution.
My neighbor is like my marriage. They're both in the hole.
There's two types of emo people:
1. People that cut side to side.
2. And people that cut up and down.
The most efficient is up and down.
What did the little girl with no arms get for Christmas?
I don't know, she's still trying to open it...
What do you call a kid in a wheelchair coming out of a building on fire? Hot wheels.
People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?
What do you call a deaf animal?
Anything, it can't hear you.
When the school shooter kills the teacher and the autistic kid declares communism
A man tried to shoot Adolf Hitler, but missed. Then Adolf replied, "Oh shoot, I did nazi that coming!"
What's the difference between a smart blonde and a dinosaur?
The dinosaur once existed.
What do white people and fences have in common? They both get jumped by Mexicans.
Two guys are captured by native Chinese. They give them two choices: 1. Death. 2. 他妈的
The first guy: What's 他妈的?
The Chinese: Fucking.
The first guy chooses death.
Second guy to himself: Well, I'll let these sick fucks fuck me. At least I'll be alive...
The Chinese: Come on, we don't have all day.
Second guy: I choose 他妈的.
The Chinese: Ok, 他妈的 to the death!
You know, life as a pufferfish is tough. They get startled, then they get hard.