Morbid jokes
Most people smother babies with love.
I smother them with pillows.
I apologise for this joke lmfaooo, and you have probably heard this banger before, anyways;
What is the difference between a priest and a zit? 👀 The zit waits till you are 13 to come on your face 🤧
Just got an iPhone 12 for my brother, best trade I've ever made.
SON: “Mommy, I found Daddy!”
MOM: “What did I tell you about digging in the garden?”
Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.
How do you make an adopted kid bleed? ... Tell him to clap until his parents come back.
How do you get a fat girl to bed? Piece of cake.
What's the hardest part of running through a field of dead babies?
My boner.
What is the difference between a whore and an onion?
You don't cry when you chop a whore.
Daughter: Mommy?
Mom: Hey.
Daughter: What kind of kids do they use to make Sour Patch Kids?
Mom: They don’t use kids to make Sour Patch Kids.
Daughter: Oh, that’s why the ones I made taste kind of funny...
modern feminism.
When the school lets you near children again...
Ok, I found this off of an internet meme, this isn't original:
*grabbing kid* Harambe: Ok kid, I don't have much time, but Obama's last name is- *gunshot*
I'll never forget my boss's last words: "We shall serve the best meat in our burgers!"
There was a guy how had a stroke, eh.
He's all right.
Why do US suck at chess? We lost both our towers.
Why is England so good at chess? They still have their queen.
Why does Russia suck at chess? They only have pawns.
Why do people want emo grass? Because it'll cut itself.
What's green and smells like ham?
Kermit the frog's fingers.
Dad: Son, everyone in your class got COVID.
Son (in a happy tone): I know.
Dad: How do you know and why are you so glad?
Son: Well, yesterday you told me to spread positivity.
What happens when you combine candy and dick? That creepy guy down the street!