Morbid jokes
How does Jesus whistle?
By blowing through the holes in his hands.
"Dude come here and see a rabbit!"
"Ok!"
"Are you ok, man?"
"Yeah, I’m fine."
"Dude, pull your pants back up!"
A man driving along a country road sees a little girl crying next to a cliff. He gets out and says, "Aw, what's the matter little girl?"
She points off the cliff, and at the bottom is the family car, burning with everyone inside, all mangled and dead.
The man unbuckles his pants and says, "Little girl, today just ain't your day."
My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.
My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
I will never forget my Grandpa's last words: "What are you doing with that rope and saw?"
I hate child murderers, they're always so high-pitched.
What do you call an obese man with bipolar? Twins.
When an emo kid jumps out of a tree, what happens when he hits the ground?
Nothin' much, he just flops over an hour later when they untie the rope.
Jesus Christ said my faith can move mountains, so Mohammed said my faith can move skyscrapers.
What's better than seeing a baby swing around on a clothesline at 60km/h? Stopping it with a cricket bat.
Two bald dudes were pulling each other's hair.
Who reads the fastest?
The pilot of the plane who hit one of the twin towers. He took out 83 stories in one go.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."
The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"
My mom said, "I took your advice."
I like my women like I like my microwaves.
Hot, ready to go when I am, and able to kill any baby I put in her.
My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait.
Screw anima!
Oh wait, that's called hentai.
Why did Steven Hawking not go to heaven after he died?
He could not get up the stairs?
What's the difference between a penis and a gun?
A child doesn't cry when a gun goes off in its mouth.