The colours red, white and blue are the colours of freedom. Until they are flashing behind you.
Covid 19 stopped mass shooting faster than the Government
A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I'm sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live." The man says " 10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?" The doctor calmly replies "Nine"
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
Asian pregnancy test: Stick a Rubik cube into vagina. Wait 30 seconds, if it's solved then there's a little Asian in there.
Without women, sex would be a pain in the ass.
My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.
Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking so he asked him "sir are you drunk?" The man responds "No sir i'm not drunk." So the Officer asks "how high are you?" And the man responds "no sir, its high how are you."
Never invest in funerals. It's a dying industry.
What's a perfect example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.
Cremation, The last chance for a smoking hot body.
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an exposition to the Amazon Forest. After a while they get lost. So as they are walking suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says "Hey, your in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy so we will let you choose how you die." The man from France said, "bring me the poison." The man from Britain said, "bring me the gun" And the man from New York said, "bring me a fork" The guy was confused with the fork but still brought it the items and gave it to them. The guy from France said, "for the France!" And drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, "long live the queen!" And shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said "MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS"
Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words. His response was, "Ho ho ho."
I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning.
A depressing but satisfying victory.
What's the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.
jack and jill went up the hill to do it in the water. jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter
Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them, and now it’s a sensitive subject.
I got kicked out of a hospital once, I told all the COVID patients to stay positive.
I donated 100 dollars to a blind children’s charity. Too bad they won’t ever see a dime of it.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry.
Onions was a good dog.
