Morbid jokes
What type of file does it take to turn a 4 mm hole to a 44 mm hole?
A pedophile.
You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"
You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."
I saw a little kid on their bike before. So I ran home to see if it was mine. Mine was still chained up, so we’re good.
Bob and Brad loved baseball. When Brad was dying, Bob asked Brad to see if there was baseball in heaven. Brad died, and two weeks later, Bob woke up to Brad's voice. Brad said, "I've got good news. They do have baseball in heaven. Bad news is that you're up to bat next."
It's sad how families can be torn apart from something as simple as wild dogs.
I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning. A depressing but satisfying victory.
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
Mama Mia's pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is our sauce.
What do you call a redneck on fire?
A fire cracker.
a man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying "i'm on my period." the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she's done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i'm good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion
I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.
My favorite quote will always be, "Sketchy candy is better than no candy."
- One of the thousands of missing children.
I was raised an only child, which really pissed my brother.
Why do the Japanese hate Christmas?
Because the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population.
China should be a baseball team because they can take out the whole world with just a bat.
Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?
Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Son: Why?
Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.
If you say to someone, "Have a nice day!" it will make them happy. If you say, "Enjoy the next 24 hours," they'll be terrified.
A man is walking on the deck of a cruise ship, when he sees a woman, without arms and legs, crying. The man says "What's wrong?" The woman says "I've never been hugged before." So, the man gives her a hug and walks away. The next day, the man sees the woman, on the deck, crying again. The man says "What's wrong, now?" The woman says "I've never been kissed before." So, the man gives her a kiss and walks away. The next day, the same thing occurs. The man says "Oh, for Christ's sake! What's wrong, this time?!" The woman says "Well, I've never been fucked before." So, the man picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and yells "YOU'RE FUCKED!"
My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Pinocchio goes to the doctor for a checkup. When he gets there, the doctor asks him, "Do you have cancer?" Pinocchio replies, "That was very straight up, but no, I’m pretty sure I don’t have cancer." After saying this, his nose grew.