A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his dick.
The bartender asks him why.
And the pirate says:
"Argh, It's driving me nuts."
My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either since 2005.
Roses are red, violets are blue. If you ever feel alone, I'm always watching you.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.
It’s either really terrible news or really great news.
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?
Their last big hit was the wall.
Asian pregnancy test: Stick a Rubik cube into vagina. Wait 30 seconds, if it's solved then there's a little Asian in there.
A man is walking on the deck of a cruise ship, when he sees a woman, without arms and legs, crying. The man says "What's wrong?" The woman says "I've never been hugged before." So, the man gives her a hug and walks away.
The next day, the man sees the woman, on the deck, crying again. The man says "What's wrong, now?" The woman says "I've never been kissed before." So, the man gives her a kiss and walks away.
The next day, the same thing occurs. The man says "Oh, for Christ's sake! What's wrong, this time?!" The woman says "Well, I've never been fucked before." So, the man picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and yells "YOU'RE FUCKED!"
Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking, so he asked him, "Sir, are you drunk?" The man responds, "No, sir, I'm not drunk." So the officer asks, "How high are you?" And the man responds, "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"
What's the difference between Chris Brown and Santa?
Santa stops at 3 hoes.
If an illegal immigrant fights against a child molester, would that be "Alien vs Predator"?
Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.
The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"
My favorite quote will always be, "Sketchy candy is better than no candy."
- One of the thousands of missing children.
A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I'm sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live."
The man says "10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?"
The doctor calmly replies "Nine".
What's the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.
Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.
Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got to see either of them, and they are now extinct.
Never invest in funerals. It's a dying industry.
I donated 100 dollars to a blind children’s charity. Too bad they won’t ever see a dime of it.
