Morbid jokes
Your mamma's so ugly, even the toaster wouldn't get in the bathtub with her.
Did you hear about the new Exorcist movie? The Devil came to get the Priest out of the child.
Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?
Teacher: 502.
Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Teacher: No, you can't fit an elephant in a fridge!!
Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.
Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: open door, put giraffe in, close door
Student: No! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.
Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?
Teacher: let me guess the lion?
Student: No! The giraffe because He's in a fridge.
Teacher: WOW!
Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?
Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?
Student: The gators are at the party.
Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?
Teacher: She drowned?!
Student: No! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."
Iran: We can beat the USA.
Japan is typing...
A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church, and the priest says, "What about the children?" The rabbi says, "Fuck the children." And the priest says, "Do you think we'll have time?"
What's the difference between Chris Brown and Santa?
Santa stops at 3 hoes.
What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?
Hop in.
My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."
I like my women like my cigars: smuggled in from Cuba in a sack.
*School shooting happens* Foreign exchange student: *Sobbing under desk* American student: "First time?"
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves and never comes back.
What is 6.9?
A beautiful thing ruined by a period.
What's the difference between my dad and a hooker? Hookers come back.
They told me I could never be an actor.
No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.
Today, I learned that a group of piranhas can maul a small child down to the bone in under 20 seconds. Well, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
What does a wizard say when doing drugs? Injecto Patronum!
A man is walking on the deck of a cruise ship, when he sees a woman, without arms and legs, crying. The man says "What's wrong?" The woman says "I've never been hugged before." So, the man gives her a hug and walks away. The next day, the man sees the woman, on the deck, crying again. The man says "What's wrong, now?" The woman says "I've never been kissed before." So, the man gives her a kiss and walks away. The next day, the same thing occurs. The man says "Oh, for Christ's sake! What's wrong, this time?!" The woman says "Well, I've never been fucked before." So, the man picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and yells "YOU'RE FUCKED!"