Morbid jokes
My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
There's no "I" in team, but there is a "U" in cunt.
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”
Titanic: "And I'm nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!"
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"
Roses are red, That much is true, But violets are purple, Not F***ing blue!
One man's pet is another man's dinner.
When you send her a dick pic, but then she sends you one right back...
What did the fat man say as he entered Nagasaki?
Nothing, he just exploded.
Did you know that when pigeons have sex, they die?
Really?
Well, the one I fucked did.
Asian pregnancy test: Stick a Rubik cube into vagina. Wait 30 seconds, if it's solved then there's a little Asian in there.
Do you know the TV show "Naked and Afraid?" Well, that's what my grandpa and I played when I was young.
Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"
What is black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."
I decided to visit Saudi Arabia with my girlfriend. She and I learned they celebrate Pride month by throwing stones.
A woman gets rid of polish with chemicals and no one bats an eye The Germans got rid of polish with chemicals and everyone lost their mind
Little Jonny walks in on his parents having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says: "Well...we're making you a brother." So little Jonny runs off to let his parents finish, happy that he's going to have a brother soon.
The next day when little Jonny's father comes home, Jonny is crying out on the driveway. The father sits down next to Jonny and asks what's wrong. Jonny cries: "I won't have a baby brother!" His father is confused. "What do you mean?" he asks. "Because the mailman came by today and ate him!"
My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."
I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie...
no one could tell that it was their blood.