Morbid jokes
My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
My mom said, "Take out the trash," and I said, "Okay." The next day she asked, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "In line to get crushed."
Child: *drinking milk*
Farmer: Hey, what are you doing?
Child: Oh, I just milked one of your cows.
Farmer: We don't have any cows, we only have bulls.
Child: *realizes*
Ever heard of the show "Naked and Afraid"? That's what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.
How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children's ward.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
My family is like a cactus; a bunch of pricks.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Jon said: What do you call a pregnant woman?
Mike said: I don’t know, what?
Jon said: Kinder surprise.
The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He’s a suicide bomber.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves and never comes back.
"Hey, today was great."
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car."
What was Hitler's lucky number?
Nein.
What starts with M and ends with arriage?
Miscarriage. Now we all know that joke never gets old, and you know what?
Neither does the child.
What do you call an asian kid who's bad at math?
An orphan.
Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."
Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."
Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down?"
The man says, "I just found out my niece is gay." The next day, he orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down now?" The man says, "I just found out my son is gay."
The next day, he orders 6 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Got anybody who likes women?" The man says, "My wife does."
Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.
Kid: "Hey dad, what's dark humor?"
Dad: "Go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him."
Kid: "But dad, I don't have any legs or arms."
Dad: "Exactly, son."