Me when people ask how old my girlfriends are:
"There's 2, there're 4, there're 6, there're 8."
People should've recognized that Jared Fogle was a sick offender by one coded Subway sandwich; he normally claimed to kids he ate the sweet onion chicken teriyaki when it was the tuna sub.
Tuna sub was the message of the target to the kid since "tuna sub" put together makes "tunasub" and the truth comes when you spell it in reverse ("busanut")!
Q: Who is Tracy Latimer's least favorite rapper?
A: Monoxide Child.
An emo girl and a squirrel both fall out of a tree. Who hits the ground first? The squirrel. The rope stops the emo girl.
Like if you like school (I mean if you don't)!
A depressed man buys a gun for suicide, but then thinks, "maybe I shouldn't be doing this," and asks a friend for help. He returns with a rope.
I hate when people leave their cars running, especially in the summer.
I'm like, "You got Tracy Latimer in there or something?"
What is Juan the junkmail dispenser's nickname? Spic and spam.
Guy 1: How far are we going?
Guy 2: About as far as somebody's miscarriage.
If at first you don't succeed, cheat.
If at first you don't succeed, oh well, so much for skydiving.
Q: Why was 10 afraid?
A: Because he was always between 9/11.
What do you call an alligator that reads maps? Navigator.
My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.
Why is Afghanistan good at chess? They take the rooks out fast.
What is the biggest fear of an American soldier taking a piss in a bush during the Vietnam war? His manhood will be chopped off.
After the drive-by, Tupac became known as Pewpac.
What do you call an Iraqi swimming in the water?
A bath bomb.
What do you call a non-binary person that is lactose intolerant?
Non-buy dairy.
What's a Parkinson's victim's least favorite song?
Taylor Swift - "Shake it Off".
What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target?
The drone guy didn't know either.
