My Grandmother died last month. The thing that bugs me to this day, I couldn't understand her last words... through the pillow.
Morbid Jokes
What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A school bus full of children.
What is worse than a baby spinning at a hundred miles per hour on a washing line?
Hitting it off with a cricket bat.
What do you call an Asian man flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist fuck!
This boy in my high school choir class had a decently big forehead, so I leaned in and said, "You know, if you painted an H on your forehead, maybe Kobe would've landed."
What's worse than sticking 12 raw oysters up your grandma's pussy and sucking them out?
Sticking 12 raw oysters up there and sucking out 13.
What's worse than waking up with a penis drawn on your face?
Finding out it was traced.
Why can't Chinese people play baseball?
Because they eat the bat.
Q. What walks through alleys and has a hole in it?
A. Batman's parents.
"I put the tin foil in the microwave, ma!"
Crispy, Juicy, Tender, I just put my new-born son in a blender.
What’s the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby?
Dogs only lick peanut butter off private parts.
How do you get more presents from Santa? You tickle his sack.
I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."
I asked my daddy what sex was. He said, "Wanna cum and try it?"
Me: "What's the difference between an apple and an emo?"
Friend: "I don't know."
Me: An apple actually falls from the tree.
I found an alien in my backyard. I put him to work. He went to a farm, and I never saw him again. Moments later, he is on the Daily Planet acting as a reporter. A green rock smashed my house. I called him back, and he passed out.
I remarked, "You lazy!"
My dad went to go get milk. He came back 7 years later, and we had to send him back because he got the wrong milk.
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn't fixed.
Q: What does your Mama and a slinky have in common?
A: They aren't much to look at, but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.
