Morbid jokes
What's the difference between saying "bloody" in America and in the U.K.?
In the U.K., it's a swear word.
In America, it's a family reunion.
Why is the UK bad at chess? Because they already lost their queen.
Americans: Miles per hour.
Europeans: Bullets per kid...
What do you call a bowling ball that falls from the sky and knocks down all the bowling pins?
An airstrike.
Osama Bin Laden is his name.
Crashing planes is his game.
How did Protestants perform in the 16th century? Well done.
I have a huge thought: if Satan punishes people who are bad, doesn't that make him good?
What's black and white and read all over?
A newspaper.
What's black, white, black, white, red, white, black, red, black, then red all over?
A penguin falling down the stairs.
I banged a German chick one time. I tried anal and asked her to rate the experience. She kept yelling "9! 9! 9!"
Dad: Son, everyone in your class got COVID.
Son (in a happy tone): I know.
Dad: How do you know and why are you so glad?
Son: Well, yesterday you told me to spread positivity.
In preschool, I confessed my love to my crush, and she rejected me. As heartbroken as I was, I sucked it up and went back to teaching.
What's the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"
What's harder than steel?
Michel Jackson in an orphanage.
What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?
Well, at least one gets picked.
People always tell me to say no to drugs, but if I'm talking to drugs, I probably said yes.
You know that at Walmart they have backpacks next to the guns? Well, I thought that it was nice to see the bags next to the school supplies.
German XP farms: Train carrying chained guys.
American XP farms: Walking up to a school with a gun.
African XP farms: Cotton field.
A computer is like a living organism. Its charger is its life support. If you "pull the plug," you are letting it slowly die.
I went to kill Biden with poison water and mixed it with my finger, and then licked it. I passed out, and now I'm here.
My girlfriend left a note on the TV saying, "This isn't working!" I don't know what she's talking about, the TV works perfectly fine.