I went to kill Biden with poison water and mixed it with my finger, and then licked it. I passed out, and now I'm here.
My girlfriend left a note on the TV saying, "This isn't working!" I don't know what she's talking about, the TV works perfectly fine.
Today I went to the doctor for a test, and he said I have 10 months to live.
So later that day I stabbed him to death, and the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved!
One day I went to my friend's apartment, and he told me to make myself at home.
I threw him out of the window. I hate having visitors!
My Asian girlfriend has a weird name. As I gave her anal, she was yelling "I'm too young."
Sex is basically math. You add the bed. Subtract the clothes. Divide the legs to multiply inside.
Why do gay kids always fail exams ? Becuz they can't think straight
Ever wondered why my gay kids don't play basketball? Because they can't shoot the ball straight into the hoop.
A man comes home, and the wife says, "My ex just died by getting hit by a bus." And the husband said, "I lost my job as a bus driver."
I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.
Male Patient: So, I just pull my pants down and bend over for this prostate exam?
Doctor: Yep.
Male Patient: Ok, I'm ready. Hey! That doesn't feel like a finger.
Doctor: Yep, and I'm not even a doctor.
Things to kids:
Dragapult: "Ooh, look! Some ammo."
A Good Parent: "My baby!"
Michael Jackson: (HeeHee)
If a school shooter walks into a classroom and shoots an autistic kid, what does the kid say? "Why do I look like Swiss cheese?"
If anyone ever makes a time machine, please make a bunker for Hitler/the Nazis and send them to 2050. I want to see who would die first, future us or them.
Why do Nazis not wear necklaces, rings, and bracelets? Because they hate jewelry.
What do white people and fences have in common? They both get jumped by Mexicans.
What do you call 2 nudists in Africa?
Naked and Afraid.
I got suspended for asking an emo kid if he wants to hang out with me.
I like my people how I like my tea...
In a bag under water.
Three men die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "It's going to be a long journey to heaven, so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives."
"We'll start with you, Michael. Since you were quite the womanizer and cheated on your wife multiple times, you will be getting a Toyota." The man, embarrassed, left in the Toyota.
"Nolan, you were better; you cheated on your wife twice, so I will give you a Mercedes. Now, as for you, Mark, you never cheated on your wife; you are an absolute saint, so I will be giving you a Lamborghini."
The man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car, and he asked the man in the Lamborghini, "What the hell is going on?"
The man in the Lamborghini says, "I just saw my wife riding through the streets of Heaven on roller skates!"
