Morbid jokes

Stephen Hawking lost connection to the WiFi.

I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he's a really deep sleeper.

I tried to stick to One Direction, but then they started to shoot the gay bar...

A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church, and the priest says, "What about the children?" The rabbi says, "Fuck the children." And the priest says, "Do you think we'll have time?"

How many beaten children does it take to change a light bulb for a drunken father?

Apparently not enough to impress him.

So, two condoms walk by a gay bar. What does one condom say to the other? "Hey, wanna get 'shit-faced?'"

A woman gets rid of polish with chemicals and no one bats an eye The Germans got rid of polish with chemicals and everyone lost their mind

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?

You nail its other hand to the floor.

What's the difference between a cat and a banana? It's hard to peel a cat.

Why did the little boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.

How do you poop?

Why is the disease lung cancer never hungry? Because it's eating your lungs.

The world's funniest joke? Your life.

I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and everything was half off. I didn't know back to school sales had started already.

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It picks cotton.

I can't decide which side to take on abortion; on one hand it kills babies and on the other it gives women a choice...

What's the difference between a potted plant and your wife?

The first is easier to bury.

How do you keep a mute woman you've raped from telling on you?

By cutting off her fingers.

Cuddle with you.🙂

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

One screams when I peel its skin off.