Morbid jokes
Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.
She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."
My family is like a treasure.
You need a map and shovel to find them.
What's the difference between apples and dead babies?
I don't ejaculate on apples before I eat them.
Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.
Did you know when scientists discovered atoms could split, it blew them all away?
What did the boy say to the noose?
"Can you please tie me."
What does milk and a kid with cancer have in common?
An expiration date.
Wanna hear a clean one?
Old man takes a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty one?
Bubbles is the 14 year old next door.
What mental illness do terrorists suffer from?
Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED).
A blind guy walks into a bar.
Why did Joey drop his ice cream?
He was hit by a truck. (Don't worry, the truck was fine.)
What makes a joke a dad joke?
I don't know. I don't even have one as an example.
Paul Walker's death was a tragedy, but at least he went out in a blaze of glory.
Woman: "Doctor, where are we going?"
Doctor: "To the morgue."
Woman: "I'm not dead yet, doctor."
Doctor: "We're not at the morgue yet, either."
Stephen Hawking lost connection to the WiFi.
I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he's a really deep sleeper.
I tried to stick to One Direction, but then they started to shoot the gay bar...
A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church, and the priest says, "What about the children?" The rabbi says, "Fuck the children." And the priest says, "Do you think we'll have time?"
How many beaten children does it take to change a light bulb for a drunken father?
Apparently not enough to impress him.
So, two condoms walk by a gay bar. What does one condom say to the other? "Hey, wanna get 'shit-faced?'"