Morbid jokes

My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.

Salman Rushdie got a new book out.

It's called "Buddha. You Fat Cunt."

I remember Grandpa's last words, "Oh, shit! It's in drive!"

My life, get it, 'cause I don't got one.

In Mario, it is called a Zoomba, but if it was real, it would be a boomba.

Anal sex is for A**holes.

My friend told me an emo joke once, and I said, "Emo jokes aren't funny, cut it out!"

How do you know a gay guy has been in your house?

There are speedos in the microwave.

What do you give a armless kid for Christmas?

Nothing because they can't open the gift.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? "Wow, hairy!"

How do you punish Helen Keller?

You leave the plunger in the toilet.

Why do orphans go to church?

So they have someone to call father.

Once I was 7.

I was remembering the time when I lost my brother, only until I heard that hide and seek wasn't the best idea, especially in a secluded parking lot in downtown.

Here in IHOP, we serve pancakes, not pie cakes. If so, we can always bring in a chart that will power the customer. His smile will remain at its current form, and police surely resisted when I said the word "surely."

That one awkward moment you have to go ask your Chinese neighbor if they've seen your dog.

Q: How do you know an Asian person was in your house?

A: Your homework is done, breakfast is made, and your cat is gone.

Don't you hate it when you do the dishes, but then you realize it wasn't the dishes?

"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"

My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.