Morbid jokes
When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
The next time you get a sack call, pick up the phone and say, "Welcome to Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is next week's sauce. How may we help you?"
Why did Steven Hawking only tell one-liners?
Because he couldn't do standup.
You know why orphans like boomerangs?
Because they come back, unlike their parents.
Morbid jokes are just like girlfriends. Not everyone gets it.
Why did Hitler kill himself?
His gas bill was too high.
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
I started crying when dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
Beneath this monumental stone Lise, 80 pounds of skin and bone.
A man was taking a child into a dark forest.
The child said, "I'm scared!"
The man replied, "Well I have to walk home alone."
What do cannibals call pregnant women? A kinder surprise.
How do stars die? Usually a overdose in an airport.
So I got my son a trampoline for Christmas this year, and he was so ungrateful, like he just sat there crying in his wheelchair. What has this world come to?
Three guys are walking in a bar. A priest, a paedophile, and a rapist. That was just the first guy.
Alfred the Great was arguably the greatest king in England’s history.
The worst? Richard the Goat Fucker.
Junkyard dogs may be mean, but the meanest dogs are the ones guarding concentration camps.
When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.
To become a licensed airline pilot requires 1,500 hours (two years) of training. But it only takes 10 seconds to steal the pilot’s jacket and hat.