Morbid jokes
When an emo kid jumps out of a tree, what happens when he hits the ground?
Nothin' much, he just flops over an hour later when they untie the rope.
What do you call an African American pilot?
A pilot, you racist bastard!
The other day while I was going down on my grandma, I thought I tasted a little horse semen and I got to wondering if maybe that’s what killed her!
Three guys are in the woods, a really smart guy, an average guy, and a really dumb guy. They're bored, so the smart guy decides to go hunting. A little while later he comes back with a deer. The average guy asks, "How did you do that?" The really smart guy says, "I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer, I shoot deer." The average guy says, "I think I understand," and leaves. A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon. The really dumb guy goes *gasp*, "How did you do that!?" And the average looks at him funny and says, "Well, I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon, I shoot raccoon." The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, "Oooohh, ok, I think I can do that..." and leaves.
Hours pass, and the guy finally returns, hurt, bloody, and horribly mangled. They run to help him. Finally, one of the guys asks him what happened. This is what he said: "I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train, I shoot train. But train keep coming."
Somebody’s son said, "Mom, my dick has white stuff coming out of it." She said, "Oh, good one, son, so when’s the baby coming?"
What's George Floyd's favorite color? Kneeon.
What’s one thing you can say at a funeral and during sex?
She was too young.
If 7 8 9, why was 10 scared?
Because he was between 9 11.
My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a crowbar could do it so much quicker.
Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.
What is the pedophile's favorite shoe?
White vans.
What do you call sex in the World Trade Center?
An inside job.
How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period?
She can taste the blood off her son’s cock!
Welcome to David's Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!
When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
The next time you get a sack call, pick up the phone and say, "Welcome to Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is next week's sauce. How may we help you?"
Why did Steven Hawking only tell one-liners?
Because he couldn't do standup.
You know why orphans like boomerangs?
Because they come back, unlike their parents.