Money

Money Jokes

Mama

Yo' mama is so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for her gumball.

Flag

Me: *gives her 5 dollars* Climb that flag pole. Cute female: *takes the money and goes up the flag pole* Is this good? Me: Hell yeah, that's a nice view.

*Next day* Here's 10 dollars if you do it again. *She goes up there* Me: How's the view? *She goes home and her mom sees the money* Her mom: Where you getting this money? Her daughter: I climbed a flagpole. Her mom: You know he just wants you to see your panties, right? *She goes back and does it again but doesn't wear panties* Me: Holy shit ;-; Her mom: Did you do it again? Her daughter: Don't worry, Mom, he didn't get to see my panties. Her mom:...

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  • Ball

    A big hefty porker left his balls exposed and said,

    "Misses!! Come here and step upon mine balls, please!!! I pay top dollar for this extreme delight!"

    She pippity popped his balls like there was no tomorrow.

    And he said "yuh yuh ay ay crush these nuts nuts!"

    Company

    If Joey Deacon made his own company, it would be called The Joey Deacon Company; Walt Disney should have a run for its money.

    P.S. The Joey Deacon Pictures logo would have some autistic people making noises to "When You Wish Upon A Star", with the castle being the Blue Peter ship instead.

    Momma

    Yo momma is like a penny...

    Two-faced, worthless, and in everyone's pants!

    Blonde

    A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are robbing a bank. The police are soon after them, so they hide in a bunch of barrels.

    The police arrive and search the area. They come over to the barrel where the brunette is hiding and kicks it. The brunette says, "Woof."

    "Oh, it's just a dog," says the police officer, and then kicks the second barrel where the redhead is hidden. The redhead says, "Meow."

    "Oh, it's just a cat," says the officer, then kicks the last barrel where the blonde is hidden. The blonde says, "Potato."

    Cheetah

    What did PETA say when a cheetah won 5 million dollars?

    You can't beat a cheetah!

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  • Condom

    How is a woman like a condom?

    Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

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  • Bank robbery

    Bank owner: If you want to start a bank account, I need your name.

    Guy: Robin

    Bank owner: Your last name?

    Guy: Debank

    Bank owner: Robin Debank?

    Guy: Put your hands up and give me all the money!

    Dad

    When you say to your dad...

    AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

    Dad be like...

    Who wants my son?

    Nan be like, "Me!"

    Kid be like...

    AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GIVE ME #### ROUX!

    What are roux, says nan?

    Um, they're your life savings!

    Nan be like, "Let's get some roux!"

    Takeout

    Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50. Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes... rice-less!

    Cent

    Do you want to hear a money joke? "Never mind, it makes no cents."

    Cent

    What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Well, beer nuts are 49 cents, but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you don’t understand the genders of deer, you won’t understand it.)

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  • Man

    I like men like I like money, always getting lost under my bed.

    Octopus

    I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.

    Oh, don't worry, he's okay now.

    But the vet charged me six quid.

    Bakery

    The bakery where I work is being robbed. I said to the people, "I am calling the police." Then I realized they did not come for the money; they came for the bread. Huh, go figure!