Money jokes
What's the difference between a million dollars and a million dead babies?
I don't have a million dollars laying around my house.
Why did the credit card go to jail?
'Cuz it was guilty as charged!
I once went to the bank with some raisins because I wanted to set up a current account.
A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.
I will always remember my dad's last words....
"15 dollars and I'll jump."
Why do elephants never get rich?
Because they work for peanuts!
A kid named Billy gets his lunch money stolen at school. The bully later gets his allowance, the lunch money, and his wallet taken by his father.
The father then gets all the money taken from him by the bully’s grandfather along with his own wallet. The grandfather then takes the money and gets it stolen by Billy along with his own wallet.
A bully walks up to a kid named Billy to insult him and steal his lunch money.
Later that night when he is at home, the bully’s father comes into his room to insult him and take the lunch money he stole.
The father walks down stair to check on his father in the living room. When he walks in, his father insults him and takes the lunch money.
The grandfather of the bully walks into the back yard and in the dark is Billy. The grandfather walks up to him and says “Where’s my money, you worthless old fart?”
A man enters the bank and says, "Hi, I'm robbing you!" The man was arrested instantly.
Do chiropractors have to pay back taxes?
Only when they file jointly.
Yo mama so dumb, she sold her car for gas money.
Yo mama so poor the ducks throw bread at her.
Say "Mike Wizowski" fast to a teenager and I will get you $100000000000.
The nearest approximation to a perpetuum mobile would be a Swabian chasing a Scot because of money.
(Swabians are the Scots of Germany regarding finances.)
What do you call a gold digger?
A miner.
My sister is so annoying. She won $10,000 to go to hell.
If I had a dime for every time someone has told me to kill myself, I'd be a millionaire.
I brought my cousin to an arcade and I gave her $5 to go play a game, but she tugged my joystick too hard.
Lol, I keep stealing my dad's medication money, and the best part is he never remembers.
An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What did my dad say before he went to go get milk?
"There's money in my wallet for pizza. I love you."