Money

Money jokes

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What happens when you make an asían girl squirt?

She charges you 10 cents for extra sauce.

An old lady was low on money because she had spent all of her money on clothes.

So she decided to go to the bank. She walked up to the guy at the desk. She asked if he could check her balance. He asked a few questions to the old lady, like her weight and her height. He asked her if she had done any exercise recently. She was very confused. She got angry and asked the man again to check her balance. So he stood up, walked next to her and pushed her over. He came to the conclusion that she had a low balance.

Your mamma is so fat that she saved me a lot of money by sitting in my car when I wanted to buy a low rider.

Rape is so outdated, but when you pay them money, it is a popular date!

A man entered the bank branch and asked the teller to withdraw his account balance. The teller debited his account and gave the man all his money. Then the man counted the money and asked the teller to deposit it back into his account.

The teller asked the man why he withdrew the money and deposited it back. Then the man replied, "I wanted to make sure all my money is safe and tallies with my records."

Lol

I gave an orphan 5 dollars and I said, "Spend it on a candy bar." I came back 5 minutes later and he didn't have a candy bar. So I look over and I see that he has a piggy bank that has 40 dollars and I said, "Where did you get that?" He said, "For being homeless," and I said, "What are you going to spend it on?" He looked at me and said, "I'm going to pay money for a mother."

Guy: Are you a vending machine? Because you're a snack.

Girl: Your card got declined.

Guy: That's ok, you got to bang them a few times to get you money's worth.

The waiter comes and asks you for the check. Instead I give him a 20 dollar bill and say, "Boy, you can keep it!"

The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.

Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."

Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"

Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."

Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

How do you break up blind people in a fight? Scream, "I put my money on the guy with the knife!"

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"

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    • Mom: Hey hun, need some money for lunch at school?

    Son: No, I got 1k already.

    Mom: Wait, what, how?

    Son: Mom's wallet is magic.

    I saw a little boy begging for money.

    I said, "Are you an orphan?"

    He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"

    I said, "Your parents!"

    Son: Mom, can I borrow $50?

    Mom: What? NO WAY! Do you think money grows on trees?

    Son: Mom, what is money made of?

    Mom: Paper.

    Son: Where does paper come from?

    Mom: . . .

    Why do goalkeepers have so much money in the bank?

    Because they are really good at saving.

    Ok, I put one penny down. Do you smell anything?

    1 scent.

    I put two pennies down. Do you see any fruit?

    2 pears.

    I put three pennies down. Do you see any law enforcement?

    3 coppers.

    I put four pennies down. Do you see any cars?

    4 Lincolns.

    I put five pennies down. Do you see any pussies?

    NOT FOR 5 CENTS YOU DONT!