Misunderstanding jokes
Look, I'm innocent. I was just going on vacation in NY, but my co-pilot said: "Hit it with your best shot."
A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says, "Okay, I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts." So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says, "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says, "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.
The doctor says, "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me?" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."
"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me."
"What was your first impression on him?"
"I told him, she calls me daddy too."
I got my son a trampoline for his birthday.
The ungrateful boy sat in his wheelchair the whole time.
I got detention for giving an emo kid a happy meal.
My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline and all he does is sit in his wheelchair and cry all day.
A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."
I went to the store and I saw a kid with fake airpods, and I was going to tell him, "Nice fake airpods," but it was his hearing aids.
Nobody notices your pain, tears, struggles, but why do they notice your mistakes?
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?
Friend: Yeah, sure.
Me: *pulls out gun*
Little Johnny and little Sally walked in on Mommy and Daddy going at it in the bedroom doggy style. They innocently ask, "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"
Mommy says, "Oh, Daddy is just parking his car in Mommy's garage, now go and play."
A few minutes later they hear a blood curdling squeal and run to see what was the matter.
Little Johnny is running in circles squealing and little Sally says, "Well little Johnny was trying to park his car in my garage and he couldn't get the back wheels in so I took the scissors and cut them off."
I was watching the local chief police in America, he said, "We will never forget 911." I thought, "I should hope not, it's your phone number."
My suicidal friend said he liked trains, so we took him to the tracks.
My blind friend is so annoying, he kept bumping into things even though I repeatedly told him to look where he was going.
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
Why does the blonde stand in a corner when she's cold?
Because it's 90 degrees.
I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.
The teacher told me to put my MP3 away, so I brought out my MP5. Now that bitch knows what not to tell me.
Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”
Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”