Misunderstanding Jokes

I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I Wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone, and it turns out he only knows Spanish so When he kept saying "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida." I thought he wanted water, but when I got back with the water he was asleep and now my phone was charged so I translated what he said. And it was "You unplugged my life support", that's when I called the doctor...

Good news is, I got one sick selfie!

A man is meeting a client in Japan, yet arrives a day early. When night hit he went out with a prostitute. They're having sex, yet the prostitute kept shouting "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!", so the man thinks he doing a good job. The next day, the man meets his client and they go golfing and the client gets a hole in one. The man praises him by going "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!". His client turns around confused and says "What do you mean wrong hole!?"

Hi! This is a good prank I did! Okay My sister has this crush and his name is Braylon so he text my sister saying he wants to hang out with her which I think means date so anyway I did this My text said "Hi braylon, I can't hang out today...or the other day because I have homework, so please no hang out!" this is super wrong but funny! Braylon text back and said "Fine I can help" and I text back and said "Oh will come here around 10:00" And my sister did not know he was comeing....she was so embarrsed she was still in her night gown! HAHAHAH. O to the k bye thats the prankster!!!!

A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says “well all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket”. So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says “dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!" "No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."

Bf: Do you love me?

Gf: Most of time.

Bf: Well it's either yes or no.

Gf: ...

Bf: Well when is it that you don't love me?

Gf: 2:30 to 4:00. Every time when you to the river an hour than it takes me a half hour to love you again.

Bf: Why?

Gf: Cuz you always see that OTHER GIRL.

Bf: MY LOVE! That other girl is my sister!!!

Gf: Ohh...

My girl friend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl she said I was cheating but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair

Why is it hard to break up with a Japanese girl?

Because you have to drop the bomb twice for her to get it

Why do people misplace the 9/11 with emo kids? They both have a high death count.

Hey dude can you speel ihop. Sure man. I H O P. Wait you ate my pee!!!

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

Why did a woman believed she was a target ? She had a price tag without any value to it?

My last relationship ended because my ex girlfriend accused me of being a rapist. I'm not upset, to be honest I didn't like her anyway, she kept telling me I never listen, or something like that

me: so you two girls are from England girls: wales me: oh i see, so you two whales are from England

I had a friend named Mari. Sadly she did drugs. So one day I go up to her and say “Mari-juana do this????” She later asked me to leave forever..... I don’t gnome why but... it CRACKed me up abit!!!

When you see an "Autistic child zone" sign and say "OH! That wasn't an dog."

Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick and I accidentally gave her the glue stick. She won't talk to me any more.

Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her... so I said yes.

“I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years.” “Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!” “No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him.”