Mishap jokes
What do you call a person on fire in a wheelchair?
Hot wheels!
I was at a restaurant and a waitress yelled, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said, "I know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed and laughed, well, everyone except one.
Why did little Billy drop his ice cream cone?
Because he got hit by a bus.
"I put the tin foil in the microwave, ma!"
Why did Timmy drop his ice cream cone?
He got hit by a train.
A man ate a glue stick. It tasted bad. He died. Hahahahah!
Helen Keller threw the garbage out and broke a vehicle.
Jack fucked Jill's pussy till it stopped functioning.
I just got kicked out of the fucking library for putting the women's rights in the fiction section.
When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"
How it be when the new guy takes too long...
Hay Danny, it's me Johnny.
Johnny: Boss says to kill the guy in red. Point the gun at his head.
Danny: Ok, target locked. 3... 2... 1... bang.
Johnny: Danny, hope you did not get the man in red.
Danny: OH MY BRO FOR REALL.
I heard some twin brothers were going as buildings to the school costume contest, so I went as a plane. It didn't fly too well with people.
My dad said not to touch this thingy called a gun, but I looked down that pole and pressed that thing, and now I'm in heaven.
"It looks like she went into Claire’s Boutique, fell on a sale rack, and said, ‘I’ll take it!’" — Bianca Del Rio, RuPaul’s Drag Race
My dad went for the milk, but he left his wheelchair.
I was hunting at night for deer, and then I found one and shot it. I realized the deer I shot was actually my ex...
Once there were three girls taking a walk in the mountains. One was a brunette, one was a redhead, and the other was a dumb blonde. They came to a cliff and the brunette said, "If you jump off that cliff and say what you want to be you will become it." So the brunette jumped off and said "falcon" and became a falcon. The redhead jumped off and said "eagle" and became an eagle. The dumb blonde ran, was about to jump, but tripped on a rock, and said "crap."
Why did the kid drop his ice cream?
He got hit by a bus.
What do you get when King Kong steps on Batman and Robin?
Flatman and Ribbon.
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? Because she ran away from the ball.