I saw a tree. I looked up, and there was an apple hanging. And then I said, "Wow, that guy is lucky!"
Today was a terrible day. My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Everything I fall in love with leaves me. Maybe if I fall in love with my depression, it'll leave me too.
A man driving along a country road sees a little girl crying next to a cliff. He gets out and says, "Aw, what's the matter little girl?"
She points off the cliff, and at the bottom is the family car, burning with everyone inside, all mangled and dead.
The man unbuckles his pants and says, "Little girl, today just ain't your day."
"What did the blind, dumb, paraplegic, dead, eight-year-old child get for their birthday?"
"Cancer."
Today sucked. My friend fell off a cliff, and I went to jail.
Two lepers playing cards... one threw his hand in; the other laughed his head off.
You got a black cat.
He was bad luck.
Everyone left you and you committed suicide.
What a CATastrophe!
Look, I didn't hit rock bottom. I gracefully floated down there like Mary Poppins with an umbrella.
A kid with hallucinations and cancer is on a Jeopardy game show.
"What's behind curtain #1... YOU HAVE WON..... CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
What did the orphan say to the crippled man?
I suffer from crippling depression.
Orphans are depressed, hahaha.
Why did Tyrone drop his ice cream cone?
A: He got shot.
Thankfully, I'm still alive because I fail at everything in life.
Remember kids, when you're angry, burn down an orphanage. Then they'll really be living the hard knock life.
My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clara who wasted away.
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.
F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George smothered under a rug.
H is for Hector done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.
J is for James who took lye by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.
N is for Neville who died of ennui.
O is for Olive run through with an awl.
P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.
R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who perished of fits.
T is for Titus who flew into bits.
U is for Una who slipped down a drain.
V is for Victor squashed under a train.
W is for Winnie embedded in ice.
X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.
Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.
Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
When I try to eat, but I hurt my feet. When I using a hoe, but I hurt my toe. When I going to a doctor, but then I get trolled. Oh I just, want to say, what the flip?!!
When I using a copper, but I enveloped by a hopper. When I trying to draw someone, but it ended up with a punishment. When I spit on a bunny, it jumps right on me. Oh I just, want to say, what the flip?!!
When I growing older, someone called me a slacker. When I was 33, I bumped into a tree. When I getting angry, people calls me crazy lady. Oh I just, want to say, what the flip?!!
What's worse than locking your keys in the car in front of an abortion clinic?
Having to go back inside and ask to borrow a hanger.
Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.
