What is the worst motivational thing to say to a suicidal person?
"If at first you don’t succeed, try again and again until you succeed."
I hope you have to pull hard on a candy wrapper only for the bag to pop and have the candy fall on the floor.
What is the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
Jack and Jill went up a hill his condom ripped and now they are from Alabama
There is this celebrity everybody thought was so down to earth. That was until he hung himself.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
Heyyy, in the last six months, [I had] 4 suicide attempts, broke up with 3 girls, and my mom went on drugs.
Sultan Khan was a courtier in Akbar's court. He wanted to make his son the royal treasurer, but his cunning plans always failed.
Sultan Khan thought that Birbal was the cause of his son's misfortune, so he looked for an opportunity to get rid of Birbal. One day, Birbal was late to the emperor's court. Seeing this, Sultan Khan said, "Your Majesty, don't you think that Birbal is taking advantage of his position because he has been late these days?"
"This must be another plan to trap Birbal," said Akbar. So he decided to wait and see what Birbal would do. Akbar sat next to Suman Khan and said, "Yes, he must be punished."
Suman Khan was amazed to see his plan work this time. "From now, you should not agree to anything he says today," Akbar replied, "Agreed."
Soon, Birbal came to court. "Please spare me for being late. My wife was unwell." Akbar immediately said, "No."
Birbal was surprised. He tried again by saying, "But that's the truth. Please believe me." Again, Akbar replied, "No."
"There must be something going on," thought Birbal to himself. Then he asked, "Can we discuss important matters today?" Akbar immediately replied, "No, we will not."
"Then may I go home?" asked Birbal. Akbar said, "No, you will stay here this evening," said Akbar, enjoying himself. Birbal understood what was happening.
"Oh, so this is my game. The emperor is saying no to all my questions." He looked around and saw Suman Khan smiling, seeing him in trouble. "This must be his idea. Let me teach him a lesson."
The clever Birbal thought to Akbar, "Very well," he said. "But I have a last request. Will you please listen to me?" Akbar saw what Birbal had done.
He was very pleased and called loudly, "No, I will not listen to you." That is all Birbal said before returning to his seat. Suman Khan was stunned and angry, and Birbal had outwitted him, so he could not make his son the treasurer.
Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.
Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked...
My attempts in 2019, 2020, and 2021!
I once told a blind orphan, "Hey, look at the bright side!"
What’s the worst thing to happen to an orphan?
Well, they weren’t always orphans.
Me: spreading positivity.
Everyone else at the HIV testing center.
Once there was a girl named Sally! She had no arms or legs, was mute, deaf, and blind.
Knock knock Who’s there? Not Sally.
What do you call a fat girl with a rape alarm?
Optimistic.
I must have at least 87 years of bad luck; every time I look in the mirror, it breaks!
Today was a bittersweet day...
Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!
I saw a tree. I looked up, and there was an apple hanging. And then I said, "Wow, that guy is lucky!"
Today was a terrible day. My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Everything I fall in love with leaves me. Maybe if I fall in love with my depression, it'll leave me too.
