Mind jokes
After I am dead during my funeral service, I want someone to play my favorite song by Boy George and Culture Club, "Church of the Poison Mind."
Q. What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?
A. A seatbelt.
Do you think John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head because his wife said he was close-minded?
What first went through Sally's mind when the Nazis came? - A bullet.
Boy: Wanna hear about my dick? Never mind, it's too short.
Girl: Wanna hear about my pussy? Fuck no, you won't get it.
All these jokes really hijacking my mind.
Shorts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin. When it's sniff, stick it in. It goes in dry and comes out wet, And the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag.
It's not what you think it is. It's a Lipton tea bag.
Get your mind together!
Paul Walker is the best legend to go down in history. Change my mind.
Cashier: "Will you want the milk in a bag today, sir?"
Customer: "I’ll just keep it in the carton if you don’t mind."
I was about to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
So Stephen Hawking walked into a grocery store.
Never mind.
I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.
How does Helen Keller say "dad?"
I don’t know, but you should ask her... wait, never mind, she can’t talk.
What's the last thing that went through Curt Cobain's mind?
His teeth.
What type of bee can't make up his mind?
A maybe.
What's the last thing to go through the minds of 9/11 victims?
Their kneecaps.
Did you hear about the unborn fetus? Oh wait, never mind, it must have been aborted from the sight.
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Seven’s been worried about six even since he left Afghanistan. Every time 6 closes his eyes, he sees the war and hears the gunshots. He sees the blood, the killing, the death, and soldiers falling. When he looks at seven, he remembers when they were forced to eat their own flesh to not starve in those caves. He sees the war and the flashbacks will come back forever, burned into his soul and mind.
So a girl says to her ex, "I can't get you out of my mind, the boyfriend I knew." The girl replies, "I see you in everything, like when I'm walking down the street, even at work, like trash cans are everywhere."
There was a car accident, and the cops pull up to the crime scene to start asking people questions. The police started talking to a blonde lady and said, "What happened here?" She responded by saying, "A car crash." They then asked, "But how did it happen?" She responded, "The cars crashed into each other." They finally said, "But why did it happen?" The lady said, "Oh, I know where you're going with this. It happened because when cars push on the gas pedal, the car goes forward, and they both pushed it, so they both went forward and hit each other." One cop said, "Never mind, ma'am," and they started walking away.
The blonde lady then said, "Oh, and officers, my computer froze. Do you think I should put it in the microwave or in the oven?"