ME jokes

Them: "You're ugly."

Me: "No, as ugly as your extra chromosome."

Someone said to me they like greasy food with gravy.

I said no wonder your forehead's so greasy.

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

My music teacher was investigated, but she was the one that taught me my fingerings.

The doctor told me I was so retarded, I was required to ride two wheelchairs.

I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.

Is it just me, or when you wipe your ass too deep, it reminds you of your uncle? Just me?

What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach?

It's not you, it's a-me, Mario!

Knock, knock. Who's there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin', they hatin'!

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my pasta fetish.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

When I go to bed, my mother comes in ten minutes later with a brick and beats me with it.

Teacher: Where's your homework?

Student: At home...

Teacher: What's it doing there?

Student: Having a better time than me.

My life.

Kill me, please.

The ice cream man tried to murder me today.

My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.

Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"

A very rich and famous comedian walked into a Russian bar and asked for a vodka, but the bar man (a big fan of his) answered to him: - "This vodka isn't good enough for you." - "If it is good enough for you it is good enough for me!"

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.