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When I was in high school, me and my friends would play with this girl who had Down syndrome.

We would get into a circle around her and say, "Nightmare, nightmare!"

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    • Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"

    Woman two: "Did that work?"

    Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."

    Me: Have you seen a Mr. Weewoo?

    Most people: No.

    Me: He drives the ambulance downstairs.

    The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

    A Chinese boy never met his parents after they were killed in WW2, so when he learned where they were buried, he quickly rushed there.

    He sat down in front of their graves and prayed, "I want to see your face again, mommy..." A miracle happened; his mother rose up from the graves and hugged him.

    The boy cried then said, "I want to see you too, dad." He looked at his father's grave, but nothing happened.

    Suddenly, a Japanese soldier came up behind him and asked, "Were you looking for me?"

  • 4

    • Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland?

    She sat on Pinocchio's face and said: "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

    A man gets captured by cannibals.

    Every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."

    Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.

    There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."

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    • Johnny Johnny?

    Yes pa pa.

    Eating sugar?

    Yes pa pa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you're mad at me for eating a little sugar. Smoking? Telling lies? Yes pa pa, you do all of those things because you're a chronic addict.

  • 0

    • I once had clothes that were so unbearably uncomfortable,

    but I never realized they suited me.

    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

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    • My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."

  • 0

    • A family of three, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”

    “Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.

    “Let me start,” says the son.

    “Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.

    “I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.

    “Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games.” Says the mom.

    “You’re right!” He replies.

    “I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”

    “Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom.” Says the son.

    “The lie isn’t that you’re adopted,” says the dad.

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