ME jokes

Teacher: We have a new student today class, come introduce yourself.

Student: My name is Buttitches.

Teacher: Please tell us your real name.

Student: Buttitches.

Teacher: I’m calling the police.

Police: Son, please tell me your real name or I’m going to shoot you.

Student: Buttitches.

Police: *shoots gun.*

A few days later, the police go to the funeral and sits behind the mom. While crying, the mom says, "My Buttitches!" The police say, "We’ll scratch it, lady."

One day I was at church. I had to sit down. I said, "Who in the world stinks?" I looked down. Turns out it was me, and this is not a joke, but funny.

As the coronavirus pandemic strengthens...

Trump - "Quick, inject yourselves with bleach!"

Also Trump - "I order everyone in America to wear a face mask except for me!"

I woke up to my daughter riding me in bed. I asked, "What are you doing?" She replied, "Making a Creampie."

A women's knitters group is having a meeting, and they are all pregnant. They all talk about their pregnancies.

One woman says, "I'm taking vitamin C so my baby has a healthy immune system."

Another knitter says, "I'm taking folic acid to help my baby's brain."

Finally, one woman says, "I'm taking Thalidomide!"

All the women turn to her and say, "Thalidomide! Don't you know your baby could be born without arms?"

The woman shrugs her shoulders and says, "I don't know how to knit arms."

I like this Russian girl, but she hasn't asked me to hang off a cliff while drinking vodka.

There is this cute Russian girl in my class, yet she hasn't asked me out for vodka.

Police: Hey man, look at this! *throws cocaine at fan and it flew back into his face* Me: Are you okay? Police: Looks like I "crack"ed the case.

Me so horny! Me so horny!

They told me I'd never be good at poetry.

But to date I have made 3 jugs and a vase, and they look lovely!

Doc: Can I help you?

Girl: Doctor, I have pain in my heart.

Doc: When did it begin?

Girl: Right now (seeing him like a doll).

Doc: Hh...do you like me? I know I am handsome...

Girl: No, don’t get me wrong. You just look like someone I know.

Doc: Who is that? Is your boyfriend?

Girl: No, it’s my pet (rabbit), his name is Rokie.

I waved to you before, but you never sea me because you're so washed up.

I went on a walk with a super pretty girl, then she saw me and it turned into a run.

"SCOOT WANT TAXI!" Ok, maybe I do but can't make it there because yo mama is so fat he can't hear me on the other side.

I call my sister a "fat cow," and she asks me, "Want to hear a joke?" I say, "Sure." She says, "You are the joke!"

Chinese Names - Annie Wan (Anyone)

Caller: "Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?"

Operator: "Yes, you can speak to me."

Caller: "No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!"

Operator: "You are talking to someone! Who is this?"

Caller: "I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent."

Operator: "I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?"

Caller: "Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital."

Operator: "Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious, but I don't have time for this!"

Caller: "You are so rude! Who are you?"

Operator: "I'm Saw Lee (Sorry)."

Caller: "Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!"

They call me Elsa cause I’m too icy! 🥶❄️

What does a freshly pregnant teen and her baby share?

They both think, "Mom's probably going to kill me."

*World War 2 going on and then stops.*

Me: "I guess you would say it was a gory-ious battle."

I work at a bank and an old woman asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.