ME jokes

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Friend: Knock, knock.

Me: Who's there?

Friend: Short.

Me: Short who?

Friend: Short you!

Me: 🙁

Friend: 🤣

Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.

But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...

I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions, which made me cry.

Onions was a good dog.

So one day, I took a trip to Russia and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any bodyguards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days.

After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I said yes, and the officer said, "God help us."

So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said, "I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy." He said, "We did, and that we were extremely drunk."

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her... she had really bad balance.

Sending gay men to prison makes no sense to me. I mean, you have sex with a man and then they lock you up with a bunch of other men.

That would be like arresting someone for drunk driving and forcing them to become a bartender.

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."

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    • Little Timmy walked in on his parents having sex. His parents look at him in fear. Little Timmy asks, "Mom, Dad, what are you doing?"

    The mom replies with, "We are playing house. We'll let you play when you're older," the dad says. So the next day Timmy goes over to play with his friend Johnny, who was, ironically, Timmy's neighbor. Johnny asks, "How was your sleep last night?" "I saw my mom and dad playing house last night," Timmy says. "But they told me I could play with them when I'm older."

    After a little bit of playing with Johnny, Timmy went home and saw his Dad playing house with his babysitter. "Dad, what are you doing?" Timmy asks. "I'm playing house with your babysitter," Timmy's Dad said. "But I saw you play house with Mom last night," Timmy told his father. "Well, don't tell your mother," his dad said.

    Luigi was dying and had two sons. Bruno was handsome, but Alberto was ugly.

    He said, "Maria, tell me, is Alberto my son?"

    "Yes, Luigi," his wife said, and he died happily.

    Wife said, "Thank God he didn’t ask about the other one!"

    Man asking waitress, "Pardon me, miss, may I ask you about the menu, please?"

    Waitress, "It's none of your business about the men I please!"

    You know, people always say your life is worth it, but with me, it's worth-it-less.

    So, I got my blind friend a Big Mac for his birthday. A week later, he walked up to me and said,

    "Damn, that was the most violent book I've ever read."

    Yo, three kids play hide-and-go-seek. Their names are Trouble, Manners, and Shut Up.

    Shut Up hit the police station, Manners hit the trashcan. Trouble is the seeker. When they go and hide and all that shit, the policeman comes up to Shut Up and goes, "Hey kid, what's your name?"

    Well, Shut Up looks at him and goes, "Shut Up."

    Policeman says, "Excuse me, kid, where's your manners at?"

    Shut Up goes, "Oh, Manners? In the trash."

    Policeman goes, "Oh, Manners in the trash? And then policeman goes, "Hey kid, are you looking for Trouble?"

    Then Shut Up goes and says, "No, Trouble's looking for me."

    Nobody

    Literally nobody

    Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?

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