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ME jokes

My mom told me that she got a new job & I don't have to leave the house.

Then my mom told all my customers are the men that live in our neighborhood.

Then I ask what is your job call. My mom said job hand, then I said job and or is hand job.

My mom said yeah that it. My mom said I'm good at my job that why all the males are always knocking at the door.

*At A Funeral For Someone Who Jumped Off A Building* Victim's Mom: "I wonder what was the last thing that went through his head..."

Me: "Honestly... Probably his ass."

An unfortunate accident happened at the Nestlè factory. A man named Joe was seriously injured because a box of chocolates fell on him. Every time he said, "The chocolates are on me!" everyone cheered.

So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.

You work at Papa's Pizzeria, ok?

Boss: You're fired!

Me: Ok?

Worker: Why are you fired?

Me: Oh, you wanna know...

*shows him the oven with my pizza*

Me: I left my pizza in the oven, that bitch burnt as fuck!!

Worker: OH SHIT!!

Boss: Did you say pizza?

Me: I sure did!

*shows boss pizza in oven*

Me: This hoe black as fuck!

Boss: I fired you because I can't stop looking at your ass, not this why?

My pal asked me why nobody wants to eat the spaghetti he makes in his restaurant.

Well, because it's impastable.

You know how on Snapchat "hmu" means hit me up? A school posted "smu." Nikolas Cruz responded.

Friend: Knock, knock.

Me: Who's there?

Friend: Short.

Me: Short who?

Friend: Short you!

Me: 🙁

Friend: 🤣

Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.

But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...

I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions, which made me cry.

Onions was a good dog.

So one day, I took a trip to Russia and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any bodyguards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days.

After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I said yes, and the officer said, "God help us."

So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said, "I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy." He said, "We did, and that we were extremely drunk."

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her... she had really bad balance.

Sending gay men to prison makes no sense to me. I mean, you have sex with a man and then they lock you up with a bunch of other men.

That would be like arresting someone for drunk driving and forcing them to become a bartender.

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."

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