ME jokes
Are you a train? Because I want you to run over me. :)
The coach yelled at me when I stole home. I ran home with the base and asked him where to put it.
Are you a knife? Because damn, I want you inside of me ;)
The best joke in the world is me.
Don't say that you're not a joke. Jokes have meanings.
I bought a wooden whistle. I tried so hard, but it wouldn't whistle.
So I bought a steel one. It still wouldn't let me whistle. Then I got a lead one. It still wouldn't lead me whistle. Then I realised, they were flutes, so the wood would lead me whistle if I did it correctly. Steel....
My sister beat me in a race. She gave me a raspberry. I was bitter.
I was wondering why the basketball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.
Rape jokes aren’t funny. People like me that are actually victims of rape are triggered by them.
I wish my dog was depressed so she can cut her own nails.
Me: Now I know why Michael Jackson turned white.
The police: You finally figured it out.
My wife left me yesterday.
I haven't talked to the kids in a year.
Me: punching a kid.
My FBI agent: You're adopted.
Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))
Me: I know how to use a microwave!
Also me: Mom! The microwave is on fire!
True story.
Me: I know how to use a microwave!
Also me: Mom! The microwave is on fire!
Me in my dream: What a good day! *rumble* Ooh! What was that?
I wake up and I find myself on the floor.
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Bagel."
"Bagel who?"
"Toast, it's me, your arch-nemesis, Bagel, here to make up! Bye!"
Person: Hey, do you know what's the best thing in life?
...
You do realize that I said nothing, right?
Me: Exactly :)
Me: Hey! Do you know how to tie a knot?
Person: Yea, why?
Me: Cause I need help tying this noose :)