ME jokes

Are you a waterfall?

'Cause I'm falling for you.

Are you a train? Because I want you to run over me. :)

The coach yelled at me when I stole home. I ran home with the base and asked him where to put it.

Are you a knife? Because damn, I want you inside of me ;)

The best joke in the world is me.

Don't say that you're not a joke. Jokes have meanings.

I bought a wooden whistle. I tried so hard, but it wouldn't whistle.

So I bought a steel one. It still wouldn't let me whistle. Then I got a lead one. It still wouldn't lead me whistle. Then I realised, they were flutes, so the wood would lead me whistle if I did it correctly. Steel....

My sister beat me in a race. She gave me a raspberry. I was bitter.

I was wondering why the basketball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.

Rape jokes aren’t funny. People like me that are actually victims of rape are triggered by them.

I wish my dog was depressed so she can cut her own nails.

Me: Now I know why Michael Jackson turned white.

The police: You finally figured it out.

My wife left me yesterday.

I haven't talked to the kids in a year.

Me: punching a kid.

My FBI agent: You're adopted.

Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))

Me: I know how to use a microwave!

Also me: Mom! The microwave is on fire!

True story.

Me: I know how to use a microwave!

Also me: Mom! The microwave is on fire!

Me in my dream: What a good day! *rumble* Ooh! What was that?

I wake up and I find myself on the floor.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Bagel."

"Bagel who?"

"Toast, it's me, your arch-nemesis, Bagel, here to make up! Bye!"

Person: Hey, do you know what's the best thing in life?

...

You do realize that I said nothing, right?

Me: Exactly :)