ME jokes

I wish my dog was depressed so she can cut her own nails.

Me: Now I know why Michael Jackson turned white.

The police: You finally figured it out.

My wife left me yesterday.

I haven't talked to the kids in a year.

Me: punching a kid.

My FBI agent: You're adopted.

Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))

Me: I know how to use a microwave!

Also me: Mom! The microwave is on fire!

True story.

Me: I know how to use a microwave!

Also me: Mom! The microwave is on fire!

Me in my dream: What a good day! *rumble* Ooh! What was that?

I wake up and I find myself on the floor.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Bagel."

"Bagel who?"

"Toast, it's me, your arch-nemesis, Bagel, here to make up! Bye!"

Person: Hey, do you know what's the best thing in life?

...

You do realize that I said nothing, right?

Me: Exactly :)

Me: Hey! Do you know how to tie a knot?

Person: Yea, why?

Me: Cause I need help tying this noose :)

Best chick ever.

Call me at 6969696969.

I work at a morgue and we wrap the bodies in bubble wrap.

I was working the night shift and just looking at the security cameras, but then I heard popping behind me!

They asked me to speak at this funeral, and I said, "Of corpse!"

Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted. Me and my dad were going home and walk home and I got home.

Before Marriage Boy: At last, I can hardly wait! Girl: Do you want me to leave? Boy: No, don't even think about it! Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of course, always! Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? Boy: No, why are you asking? Girl: Will you kiss me? Boy: Every chance I get! Girl: Will you slap me? Boy: Hell nah, you crazy!! Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yeah girl! Girl: Oh Honeyyy😍

After Marriage Now, read that from the bottom to the top.

Friend, your mum's fat.

Me: Well, your mum's so fat, she played pool with the planets.

One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out.

"I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" 🐔😂

True Story of Little Red Riding Hood.

The big bad wolf told Red Riding Hood to strip. He looked at her pussy and said, "Now I will fuck you!"

Red pulled out a shotgun from under her coat and said, "Oh no you're not. You're not, you're going to eat me just like it says in the book!"

Me and my friend's life story on a daily basis.