ME jokes

My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.

I was lying on the bed the other night and my missus was playing with my cock, trying to get it to go hard. She asked me what's the matter? I said, "I just don't find women without hair very attractive."

My girlfriend said to me, "Dear, I think you have hit an animal, there's blood and dents all over the bonnet."

I said, "No, love, I'm not waiting for a Black Lives Matter rally."

My wife saw me hit the best drive yesterday with my golf clubs.

I must have drove that chihuahua 300 yards.

Do you want to hear a dark joke? Let me turn the lights off.

A teacher walked up to me and said, "How did we get butt cracks?"

I was like 4, so I said, "You had an earthquake on your booty."

Bootylicious lol

Me: You know your parents were very good people.

Orphan: Wow, I didn’t know that.

Me: I know, you're an orphan.

I said to the orphan, "Do you want me to take you to your family? Oh wait..."

My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"

"Islam it is."

Your mama so fat when she sits on the toilet it sings, "ABC, 123, get your fat ass off of me!"

The woman became extremely uncomfortable with the man she had just met. While he lay beside her, romantically kissing and stroking her neck he whispered, “I called the number you gave me at the bar tonight. Someone named Alvin answered who has never heard of you.”

A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."

Does anyone still look at this? If you do, tell me if I should make more jokes :)

What did the hamster say to the penis? "Ha, you look just like me!"

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.

So in a triathlon, it would all come down to whoever can ride a bike the fastest.

Huh what you say?

Come fight me, suck a dick.

Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up?

Me: Oh, I wan-

Therapist: Don’t say to be dead.

Me: Well, I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to sell land, pencils, oh yeah. I also want to sell farm.

For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.

But that’s just me in a nutshell.

Your secret is safe with me. I walnut tell a soul.

A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.

The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"

The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."

The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."

So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"

The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."

The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.

"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.