ME jokes
So, I met Michael Jackson before he died. He dragged me to his bed.
POKEMON THEME SONG JOKE: I wanna be the berry best, like no one ever was.
To bitch them is my real pest, to brain them in my toss. I will gravel across the land, perching war and wide. Fuse Pokemon to under-strand, the lower that's in psyche.
Poke him on! Gotta joke them all it's Fru and me, All I know is my dress tiny, Poke him on! Yeah, you're my pest friend, In a world you must de-blend, Poke him on!
Gotta joke them all my shirts so true, My outrage will flush us through. You bitch me and I ditch you, P-O-K-E-M-O-N!!!
Gotta joke them all, Gotta joke them all!
Poke him on!
I like my wife like I like my coffee: so sweet, it gives me headaches.
Call me a bad economy with high interest rates and low spending, 'cause I'm in a great depression.
Me: How does this thing work?
ForTnite kid: Oh, you don’t know how to use a pistol? Look, I’ll show you.
ForTnitekid: *shoots foot*
Me: That wasn’t a very good demonstration.
My girlfriend asked me whether I was having sex behind her back, and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
My son's into astromancy asked me how do stars die, so I told him, "Usually on overdose, son."
My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.
I was thinking about you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
Someone: Didn’t we already meet somewhere?
Me: Yeah. That’s why I don’t go there anymore.
I am a good role model, because you look up to me. Deez nuts!
The cannibal says to the other cannibal, "I like it when humans fall from the sky because then they are meateor."
I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”
And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.
Anybody know a girl named Candice? She just added me on snap.
Me after Taco Bell: Go to: [link to image of broken toilet]
Me: Mom, we made a cake.
Bully: Guess what?
Me: What?
Bully: Nobody cares!
Me: Yeah, nobody cares about you!
My relatives used to tease me at weddings, saying I'd be next. They soon stopped when I started doing the same to them at funerals.
I was in an audition for the lead role of movie "Aquaman." The Director told me to dive into a pool. Then outta nowhere Penaldo showed up and made a big dive into the pool. The director was impressed and selected Penaldo for the movie.
Shame on you Penaldo for destroying my dream!
Three men are on a bench in Soviet Russia talking shit about Stalin. One of the men all of a sudden pulls out a KGB badge and says, "You two are coming with me for treason." One of the other men also pulls out a badge and says, "Not me." The third man pulls out a badge and says, "Wow? There's a lot of agents here."
My girlfriend broke up with me because she caught me eating a banana with my butt........
IMAGINE!