ME jokes

Me: *gets down on one knee*

Girlfriend: OMG, it's finally happening!

Me: *falls over*

Girlfriend: The poison is kicking in.

Me: *stabs vampire*

Wife: omg

Me: *beats vampire to death*

Wife: OMG

Me: What?

Wife: You're supposed to give them candy!

Me: Well, that's a sticky situation now, isn't it, Barbara?

me: I'm going to steal your heart.

her: omg that's so romantic!!

me, an organ trafficker: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

  • 4

    • Me: How many letters are in the alphabet?

    That one friend: 11 - T-H-E-- A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T.

    Mom: I'm getting you a dog!

    Me: OMG REALLY?!

    Mom: Yeah, what gender do you want?

    Me:...

    Me: Bitch, please.

    Emos are weird to me because they dress up all black, and you know I don't like that, so that's why I don't like it.

    Friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! I'll be in court.

  • 2

    • This is why orphans are dangerous with cardboard. They either start eating it or making it into a house and hallucinating that they have a family.

    So I threw out the cardboard and said, "You have to stay in reality. Fantasies aren't real. You can't and will never get a home."

    Next day, they make cardboard parents, so I threw that away and said, "Pay attention to reality; you will never get parents."

    Next day, they start acting like parents and tell me what to do. Again, I said, "Snap to reality. You will never be a parent!" The orphan responded with, "Oh, really?! How so?" I just simply said, "You don't have a house and parents. You literally like eating cardboard, and then you make parents out of it. You like to eat old people!"