What do you call a dog with no legs?
It don't matter what you call it, 'cause it ain't gonna come to you.
A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel. "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions. You must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate, and you must never hold on to any beef." The Angel then disappeared.
The man did as was told and became generous and kind. As he emerged from the betting office with all his money, he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person each and every time.
He, however, couldn't seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what.
When he died, the Angel came back for him.
"But I'm undeserving; I can't come with you," he said.
"Yes, you can," replied the Angel, "you gave all your stake (steak) away."
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
I may not be that good with puns on this site, but I got a skele-ton of jokes. Hey, what's the matter pal, is there something crawling under your skin?
Do you know why an atom is positive? He kept his electrons.
Most people say I'm a clown. Yet they don't laugh at my jokes. Most people avoid me because I'm a "clown". Yet I'm not the center of the circus. But I know I'm gonna be a clown forever. Because I can't take this damn mask off, no matter how hard I try.
Weeks later: Finally I found out why I'm being called a clown...because my smiling face is fake...
Yo momma so fat, she made up of a lot of atoms.
I have a daughter; she’s a fan. Her name is Penny. Fan she was born on the mountain Pen y Fan. I adopted her because her mum fell off the cliff after birthing Penny. It doesn’t matter, really; Penny’s mum wasn’t a big fan of her anyway.
What did one poop say to the other poop? What's the matter? You look flushed!
Do atoms eat booty? No, because they are too cool. ;)
Free will is like having a vagina. You don't need to know how to use it, and you don't need to know what it does, but what matters is that you have it.
Yo' mama sometimes always happens to let you know you're back in New York -- like the way people order in a restaurant: "Could you take my order before Jesus gets back? What's the matter with you? I've evolved into another species here, you understand? I can't eat clam chowder no more. I gotta see the cyborg menu, you understand?"
Never tell an orphan about a family matter; they wouldn't understand.
I got hit with a can of soda. It doesn't matter, it was a soft drink
You're at a buffet, you think you're hungry for two, but misfortune happens when you think of yourself. You get stuck looking at sides in the buffet. A roly poly gal you see in the corner of your eye, eyeballing the main dishes in front at the end. You go in for the pickings, you get intercepted by a far more hungrier matter, but you find yourself getting slammed over the buffet table, and realize you are gasping for air, and she is tenderizing you for dinner.
A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says, "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says, "Why yes, as a matter of fact, I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says, "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says, "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."
If you are on here, don’t hate. There will be rude ones, but it doesn’t matter.
A Down syndrome kid asks for an ice cream. The man asks, "Do you want sauce on it?"
The kid says, "It doesn’t matter, I’m going to drop it anyway!" 😂😂😂
Hey, you wanna hear something funny?
An atom makes up everything. Half of this site contains this joke. Don't trust the internet, kids.
What is similar between sex and fishing?
It doesn't matter how deep you go, it matters how you wiggle the worm.
