A man was having a dream. He dreamt about a mystical creature that was commonly known as the god of toast. When the man woke up, he turned to tell his wife about the dream. When he delivers the toast god punch line, his wife shrugged as she faced the opposite direction to the man. The man turned around also and started sobbing as he realised his marriage is in shambles
Who do you call in times of a marriage crisis?
A prostitute, because your wife fucking sucks.
Why wont cannibals eat divorced women?
Just to Bitter.
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.
The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.
Two WiFi routers got married. The ceremony was OK, but the reception was amazing.
I once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, "They're all dead hookers once they're in the trunk."
Two antennas got married on a roof. The ceremony was horrible, but the reception was great!
Why did Wi-Fi and the computer get married?
Because they had a connection.
Why has Stephen Hawking stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
Women are like tornadoes.
They scream when they are coming and take your house when they are leaving.
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?
A widow.
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.
I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
What does a girl want more than anything in the world?
Nothing. She's fine.
