Make jokes

What are the basic ingredients when a cannibal makes a sandwich?

2 slices of Brad.

Why do vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?

Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don’t like where real meat comes from.

I'm going to make a city just for people with special needs.

I'll call it Downtown.

I love the way the Earth rotates.

It really makes my day!

Why do people come on here just to say that we should not be making these jokes? They literally look this shit up just to complain.

What is an orphan's dad's job?

A magician because he makes himself disappear.

Wife: (on phone) Hi. Husband: Hey, I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.

How do you make a suicidal guy go bungee jumping?

Tie the bungee cord around his neck.

Why do goalkeepers have so much money in the bank?

Because they are really good at saving.

How do you make Stephen Hawking mad?

You turn off the WiFi router.

Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.

Seeing one of her students making faces at others in the playground, Mrs. Matthews stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

The student looked up and replied, "Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned, Mrs. Matthews!"

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

One cries when you peel its skin off, the other makes you cry when you peel its skin off.

I am trying to re-comment something that used to be on here, but is no longer on here.

Here are some rules to make a good joke:

1: Don't say “my life.”

2: Proofread your joke and make sure people can read it/have good grammar in it.

3: And don’t repost things (although this last one is hypocritical because this was me trying to repost something, but it is still a good rule to go by).

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

"This isn't the first time my husband's cheated on me, but you're my sister! You'd better have a better explanation than this magic lamp."

"You know how you have to be specific making wishes? Well, I was really horny and asked the genie to have the world's biggest penis....ended up with a concert pianist that's seven foot tall. Nice guy. Next time I tried, I asked for the world's biggest cock, that was fun but the poor rooster died. So I asked for the world's biggest dick and that's how I ended up on top of your husband."

A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and proudly claims the animal can play any musical instrument. The bartender pulls out a guitar from behind the bar and gives it to the octopus, which plays an amazing solo. Just then a Scotsman walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs the instrument and wrestles around with it on the ground, flailing about, making a horrible sound. The bartender says, "Hey, looks like he can't play that!" and the octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"

How do you make a cat go "woof"?

... douse it in gasoline and set it on fire! "woof!"

What do you say when you see a pig making bread?

He's bacon.

Roses are red, violets are blue, this poem doesn’t make sense, washing machine.