Make jokes
Why am I still alive?
Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...
How do you make a blind person jealous? You ask if it's a nice day out.
Why make a joke when I wake up and look at myself?
What commitment does a pimp make to each new hoe he turns out?
Answer: He will always be there for her after the break-in period.
When his dick is really, really small, but you pretend it is so big it hurts so you don’t make him feel bad 'cause he is a nice guy.
You need to eat makeup on the inside because, friend, you're so ugly and you're not even pretty on the outside.
There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.
How do you make a blow job OSHA compliant? You add a railing!
If having sex for money makes you a wh*re, then what does having sex for free make you?
Non-profit wh*reganisation.
Why do dolphins live in salt water?
Because pepper water would make them sneeze!
There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."
How do you make Stephen Hawking mad?
You turn off the WiFi router.
I love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day!
What is an orphan's dad's job?
A magician because he makes himself disappear.
Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.
How do you make a suicidal guy go bungee jumping?
Tie the bungee cord around his neck.
Wife: (on phone) Hi. Husband: Hey, I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.
Why do goalkeepers have so much money in the bank?
Because they are really good at saving.
I'm going to make a city just for people with special needs.
I'll call it Downtown.
Seeing one of her students making faces at others in the playground, Mrs. Matthews stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."
The student looked up and replied, "Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned, Mrs. Matthews!"