Looking at Jokes

If I were in a staring contest with you I would be looking at a rainbow

Some people say I'm rude but I think I'm pretty nice because the other day I seen this kid crying on the road and I asked him where his parents were I just love looking at an orphanage

Just before Lockdown began, a woman took her 15 yr old son Tom, and 14, 16 and 18 yr old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.

The weekly family zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14 year old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week the 16 year old’s shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18 yr old’s belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14 year old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.

So the father waited until he’d talked to his son and daughters, and asked if he could talk to his wife alone.

“Look, I know you and the girls are all pregnant. I’m not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don’t have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?”

She started crying. "No, Tommy's the father! I'm so sorry, I never meant for it to happen, but it's been so lonely here without you....I walked in on him jerking off and just couldn't help myself! And Annie's been missing her boyfriend at college, and it....it just sort of got out of hand."

"It's okay sweetheart, I forgive you. You've been isolated for months, up there."

She wiped her tears away. "I can't believe how understanding you're being about this. When we get home I'm making you the best steak and lobster you ever had! I know you aren't eating well, I was looking at the bills on Amazon Prime and saw you ordered a 45 pound pail of peanut butter!"

He looked down under the camera line, under his desk. He wasn't wearing pants and the family dog was still licking his dick. "These things happen."

Brown bear Brwn bear what do you see i see a blind man looking at me blind man blind man what do you see. Oh sorry i forgot you cant see.

Tuesday I was looking at my family tree and two dogs were using it

Did you know you don't actually wash your hands?

They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.

You got the whole crowd of people laughing when looking at you. That face needing some laughing pills.

what do you call a waterfowl looking at you from around a corner?

a peking duck

You work at papa's pizzaria ok?

Boss: your fired! Me: ok? Worker: Why are you fired? Me: oh you wanna know... *shows him the oven with my pizza* Me: I left my pizza in the oven that bitch burnt as fuck!! Worker: OH SHIT!! Boss: did you say pizza? Me: i sure did! *shows boss pizza in oven* Me: this hoe black as fuck! Boss: i fired you because i count stop looking at your ass not this why?

A father and a son were painting pictures together, the son and father were drawing the exact same thing to a T and the son said "what happened to your hand?" looking at the scar tissue near the father's knuckle, the father replied with "you know what happened, you were there." the son continues to deny this until they both finish their paintings - they're exactly the same.

The father passes out for a few hours and wakes up to find that there's only one painting.

I was looking at our Human Services Minister and thinking I'm surprised he's married. The things you do for your cousins!

your hairline is so bad that the queen died when looking at it

stop looking at my ass i said look at uranus (guy 2) im looking at ur anus (guy 1) I SAID URANUS LIKE THE PLANET (guy 2) ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Hi guys! Ello here! So I am determined to get as many people as possible to like my jokes nad comment. So, without further ado, here goes nothing! So I have been looking at all your jokes. And UHHHHHH has not been the nicest.... I don't really love the words she is choosing. But I'm not going to let her get in my head :) So guys make sure that you like and comment! Love y'all!!!!! :D

I work at a morgue and we wrap the bodies in bubble wrap.I was working the night shift and just looking at the security cameras but then I heard popping behind me

what did the traffic light say to the other

hey stop looking at me im changing

Your at a buffet, you think your hungry for two, but misfortune happens when you think of your self, you get stuck looking at sides in the buffet, a roly poly gal you see in corner of your eye, eyeballing the main dishes in front at the end, you go in for the pickings, you get intercepted by a far more hungrier matter, but you find yourself getting slamed over the buffet table, and realize you are gasping for air, and she's is tenderizing you for dinner.