Looking At jokes

Why make a joke when I wake up and look at myself?

what do you call an American looking at cloud shapes?

Oppenheimer

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

I hope death is a woman That way she'll never look at me twice

How many LGBT supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

The lightbulb is fine the way it is. Society just needs to change the way it looks at it.

When the school shooter asks the autistic kid which hostage he wants to rape, and he looks at you like 😋.

Three children play hide and seek. Their names are Silence, Anger, and Parent. Anger counts. Parent hides in the trash. Silence is at the police station.

A policeman looks at Silence and asks: "What is your name?" Silence replies: "Silence." Terrified, the policeman asks: "Where are your parents?" Silence then replies: "Parent is in the trash!" The policeman then asks indignantly: "Are you looking for Trouble?" Silence replies: "No, in fact, Anger finds me."

A man was walking with a young boy in the woods.

The boy looks at the man and says, "Mister, it's too dark and I'm getting scared."

The man replies with, "How do you think I feel? I have to come back alone!"

I got an Xbox achievement the other day. It said "Trash Master," and everyone looked at me at the funeral.

Dad and Mom: -takes one look at Child-

Dad and Mom: "We don't want him."

Orphan: And I took that, personally.

A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:

Man: Hello? Woman: Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman: I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000. Man: Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man: I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man: I love you to.

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

The man turns around and says: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

I look at my girlfriend’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can.

Like it’s my next meal.

When I cut vegetables for my famous stew, I don’t know why everyone in the nursing home is always looking at me.

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

What did the caveman say while seeing a reptile taking off?

Look at that dino-sour!

A blond-haired girl, a brown-haired girl, and a ginger-haired girl were out walking when they came across some tracks.

The brown-haired girl looked at them and said, "I think they are elephant tracks."

Then the ginger-haired girl looked at the tracks and said, "No way, they are definitely duck tracks."

Finally, the blond-haired girl bent down to examine the tracks when she got hit by the train.

One day, two Chinese people with broken English go to America. When they arrive, they go to a small place to eat. When they look at the menu, they see "hot dog," but since their English is bad, they think it's literally a roasted dog and order it. When it comes back, they're both surprised, and one of them asks,

"What part of the dog did you get?"

When you look at the sun, it's like looking at me.

How do orphans see their family?

By looking at the mirror.

Let's take a look at the Swedish bench for today's game. $12.99 from Ikea.