A man walks into a bar with an alligator and a stick. He walks up to the bartender and offers to put on a show for the bar's patrons in exchange for a drink. The bartender agrees, so he pulls down his pants, sticks his dick in the alligator's mouth, and starts whacking it with the stick. After he's done and gets his drink, he asks if anyone else would like a go.
A lady gets up and says yes, she would like a go, asks that he doesn't hit her with the stick.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
Rape jokes are like your dad's dick. You don't want it but you still get it anyway.
I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.
So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"
I was in school yesterday and I saw this emo kid with a new cut, so I said, "I like ya cut g." And I slapped him. I don't know why I got in so much trouble. All I did was slap his wrist.
9/11 was like the 4th of July. It was very bright in the skies.
I don’t like making jokes about 9/11. My grandad died in it, he was the greatest pilot I ever knew.
How do emos propose?
"Would you like to join my family tree?"
The twin towers are like my parents, only one came back.
Why do people like dating us emo girls? Because of the texture on our thighs.
Why are most firefighters men? Because they like to find hot places and leave them wet.
Broccoli is like anal sex.
If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.
What do Catholic priests and school shooters have in common?
They both like to dump their loads into little kids.
Now that Stephen Hawking is dead, the jokes will start to roll in just like he used to.
A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says, "Okay, I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts." So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says, "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says, "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.
The doctor says, "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me?" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."
"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me."
"What was your first impression on him?"
"I told him, she calls me daddy too."
Why do feminists believe that they can act like a bitch towards men if they want to? Because they were born without a penis.
Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.
My depression: hey, what's up!
Me: go away.
My depression: well how rude.
Me: 🙄.
My depression: remember that one time......
Me: no, don't even.
My depression: that we.....
Me: nope.
My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.
Me: 😳😶😟.
My depression: 😉 don't worry I'll always be here for you.
Why don't orphans like to get lost?
Because somebody's going to ask where their parents are.
